Divorce in PH: Should I stay or should I go?

Filipinos hold marriage in extremely high regard –a lifetime commitment the couple vows to uphold come hell or high water.

In the Catholic Church, the sacrament of marriage is more than a contract, but a covenant.  The 1987 Philippine Constitution also describes it as “an inviolable social institution.” In both ways, this points to the sanctity of the union and the love binding it.

Thus, when faced with narratives of marriages that turn to be unhappy – even vicious – some can have a hard time grasping that it is broken, may be even beyond repair.

The approval of a bill in the House of Representatives, which explicitly states marital infidelity and domestic violence as grounds for divorce which are not provided under the Family Code, has sparked discussions anew on whether the law should provide Filipinos another option to dissolve their marriage. 

Several interviewees shared their real life stories and weighed in on the controversial measure.

Mitch: A journey of physical abuse

“You will never understand unless it happens to you.”

This was the message of 43-year-old Mitch, who is advocating for the legalization of divorce in the country after she almost died at the hands of her husband.

Mitch and her husband were together for nine years. They got married in 2007 but they went separate ways in 2016 due to the cycle of physical abuse against her and their four daughters. 

Unlike any other marriages, Mitch and her husband’s relationship did not start with flowers and chocolates, but with a P500 debt which she used as down payment for her apartment where she was about to move in.

Being indebted to her bestfriend’s ex-boyfriend, Mitch said she could not bar him from going to her apartment, which later on resulted in an unexpected relationship and an offspring.

Mitch, who hails from Mindanao, grew up without her parents by her side. Even though she already saw some red flags on her partner, she agreed to marry the father of her then-two-year old daughter. 

It was a marriage arranged by her eldest sibling. Mitch shared that they were only told to appear before a judge in Marikina City a day before their wedding. They came riding a bicycle and almost fell into the sewage because her partner was drunk.

Although she’d seen bad habits and experienced physical abuse from her husband, Mitch stayed on because she didn’t want her child to grow up without a father. Until the number of their children reached four.

“Palala nang palala. Ang pananakit niya hindi lang pitik, may pananakal na, pananadyak,” she shared.

“Kahit nung isa pa lang ang anak namin, minsan tinatapon niya ako sa bintana. Sinasampal niya ako sa harap ng mga kamag-anak niya. Tiniis ko kasi pinili ko ‘to e. Kumbaga, sino pa ang tatanggap sa akin? Lalo na ako na wala akong pinag-aralan. So ano ang mangyayari sa amin ng anak ko?” she went on.

Mitch did not only suffer physical pain from her husband, but also sexual abuses which were even witnessed by their own children.

According to Mitch, her husband would watch pornography inside their room and their own children can hear contents that were meant for adults. Mitch’s husband would then force her to have sex with him even if it was against her will. Otherwise, his hands would land on her body.

“Ganoon na ang naging rotation,” she said as she reminisced how her children were traumatized by these instances.

One of her children was even diagnosed with leukemia because of stress and lack of sleep due to her fear that their father would do something bad to them.

These are not the worst experiences that Mitch had to go through. Due to her partner’s violent tendencies, she needed 13 stitches on her head. The last straw happened on December 15, 2015 when her husband poured boiling water over her body.

“Sa palagay mo, mag-stay ka pa sa ganoong pagsasama? Lagi kong iniisip, hindi ito ang gusto ko para sa mga anak ko kasi, ako, wala akong pinag-aralan. Ayoko maranasan ng mga anak ko ang naranasan ko nu’ng kabataan ko– magulong buhay, ‘di maayos na pamilya. Ang pinangarap ko lang naman bumuo kami ng sariling pamilya kaya pinilit ko mag-stay at tumagal nang ganon,” she said.

“Sampung taon, lagi na lang sorry. Muntik ko pang ikamatay. May 13 na tahi ako sa ulo dahil lang d’yan sa dahilan ko na mag-stay ako, kaya pa naman magbago… Hindi ko naranasan sa ibang tao ang rape. Ikaw na tao na pinagkakatiwalaan ko, ikaw paulit-ulit. Alam mo ‘yung matutulog ka na lang, saktan ka muna bago ka gamitin…Pakiramdam ko ang baboy baboy ko,” she added.

Seeking legal help to get out of a marriage is not something that Mitch is aware of. She only had a full grasp of divorce during the pandemic or four years after she forced her husband to leave their home in Montalban, Rizal.

“Maraming mga kababaihan ang nagtatago, nahihiya, natatakot kasi sabi ko nga ang trauma mahirap ipaliwanag. Walang nakakaunawa hangga’t hindi mo nararanasan. ‘Yung hirap ng pag-aasawa iba-iba e. Kumbaga siguro para sa’yo, madali. Sa’yo, masaya ka. Hindi mo alam ‘yung naranasan ko,” Mitch said.

For Mitch, advocating for divorce is no longer for her benefit, but for her four female children who might suffer the same fate as hers.

“Kaya ako nandito kasi what if ang anak ko maging biktima rin tulad ko pagdating ng araw? So paano na? Hindi ako nakakasiguro na kasing-lakas ng loob ko ang kalooban nila. Paano kung mahina sila kaysa sa akin? Kaya andito kami hindi para sa sarili namin, kundi sa mga darating na henerasyon,” she said.

Stella: Forced into marriage

Stella, who was forced by her parents to marry just because she was already pregnant at 18 years old, was also physically and sexually abused by her husband.

“I filed a petition for declaration of nullity of marriage. Sila (lawyer) naman ang nagsabi na ganun [ang i-file] kasi wala naman akong alam. Kasi forced marriage, tinakot iyong lalaki na may mangyayari sa kanya, pinilit ako ng nanay ko kasi kahihiyan at buntis na ako. Kaka-18 ko pa lang noon,” Stella, who had three children with her husband, said.

“Umpisa pa lang, ayoko talaga. Ikinasal kami, nag-lasing nga siya para 'di siya mahiyang sumagot sa pari. Tatlo [na] ang [ang naging] anak namin, pero hindi niya maamin na siya ang tatay. Sa mga anak namin mismo, sinasabi niya, hindi ko kayo mga anak. Ipinamimigay ako sa ibang lalaki. Kapag pinupuntahan ko sa inuman, sasabihin niya, ‘yang babaeng baliw na ‘yan, pinilit lang ako ng mga magulang niyan, ayoko talaga diyan,” she  said.

She said that husband hardly works to earn a living, leaving the family with almost nothing to eat.

“Walang nakakaalam ng nangyayari kasi hindi ako maboka. Umiiyak lang ako sa gilid. Magtatrabaho lang kung gusto niya. Bakit raw niya pagpaplanuhan eh hindi naman niya mga anak ‘yan. Huwag mo pilitin magtrabaho kasi aawayin ka. Ibibigay niya P500. Isang itlog, apat kami na kakain. Isang Milo, apat kami na kakain. Isang noodles, apat kami na kakain...kinakain namin kanin na may tubig at asin...ganun ang buhay namin noon,” Stella said in tears.

Stella also recounted another instance when her husband came home drunk with a bolo and started chopping their house down while their three children – one boy and two girls – were already asleep. Fearing her bolo-wielding husband would kill them at that moment, Stella tried to take away the bolo but fell unconscious. When she came to her senses, her three children were crying because their house made of nipa was completely destroyed by her husband.

At that point, Stella’s second child, who was six years old at the time, told her that they should leave their father because she was suffering too much.

“Iyong anak kong babae, six years old pa lang, ang sabi niya, 'Tama na, Mama. Nasasaktan na kami. Ganyan ka na lang ba lagi? Ayaw na namin. Mas mabuti na mabuhay kami ng walang tatay',” Stella said quoting her daughter.

She also confessed that due to the abuse they were suffering, she tried to take her life twice.

The child’s plea sent chills to Stella, but it still took her another two years before she decided that she and her children had enough of the abuse. One day, they packed their bags and left.

Stella had to work in Manila to provide for her family, forcing her to leave the children with her in-laws.  She knew the set-up was precarious as her husband could still see her kids.  But she could not think of any one who can watch over her offspiring.  

What made her finally decide to take her kids was when her husband threatened to kill them if they do not leave the house of her in-laws.

“Sabi niya, kunin mo mga anak mo rito, kung hindi, papatayin ko lahat ng mga ‘yan, pati nanay mo. Wala silang karapatan dito,” Stella said.

Stella rushed back to Surigao del Sur to get her children and her mother to safety, and never returned.

Stella’s petition for declaration of nullity of marriage, mainly based on the grounds of forced marriage and psychological incapacity, was eventually granted by the Branch 27 of the Regional Trial Court in Tandag City, Surigao del Sur after she recounted the abuse of her husband, on top of the testimony provided by a psychologist and one of her children.

In all, she said she spent around P300,000 for the annulment.

But just when she thought she was finally free from her husband’s abuse and any other legal ties to him, the Office of the Solicitor General (OSG) appealed to the Surigao del Sur Regional Trial Court to overturn its decision favoring her.

Despite the abuses she and her children suffered, the OSG said that evidence she presented “merely showed that her husband manifested abusive behavior towards her and her children, irresponsibility, infidelity and lack of support for his family” and as such, “there had been no showing of the gravity of the problem, nor of its juridical antecedence and its incurability.”

Likewise, the OSG said that the evidence against her husband did not contain information on his past life as a non-married person, “especially in his adolescence or developmental years, as well as acts that show a behavioral pattern that would prove his alleged psychological incapacities.”

In conclusion, the OSG said that there is no psychological incapacity on the part of her husband because his behavior appears to be more of an "incompatibility" or a "difficulty," if not outright "refusal" or "neglect" in the performance of some marital obligations.

The Surigao RTC denied the OSG’s appeal and sustained its ruling declaring Stella’s marriage null and void.

The OSG, however, did not stop there and brought the case to the Court of Appeals (CA). The CA favored the OSG and reversed the RTC’s decision, leaving Stella hopeless.

A divorce law, Stella said, will provide for the rights of abused spouses and children to seek justice against their abuser without the need of going penniless or losing your mind with the current Family Code that does not address the abuses they endured.

“Uungkatin ko na naman? Babalik na naman ako sa umpisa? Naghihilom na nga tapos bubuka na naman iyong mga sugat? Divorce talaga ang kailangan kasi iyong divorce, para sa lahat, para maging malaya na,” she said.

“We already did everything to save the marriage pero wala. It was just a cycle, paulit-ulit. At wala na akong pera. Sagad ko na iyong P300,000. Mag fa-file na naman ako ng petition [para iakyat] sa Supreme Court, magbabayad ako ng P120,000 na walang kasiguraduhan? Hindi talaga sapat ang batas,” Stella lamented.

Ricky: Abused husband

Ricky, a 54-year-old Overseas Filipino Worker, agreed that divorce is a fair measure because abused husbands like him need it as much as abused wives.

Ricky’s wife cheated on him repeatedly during their marriage, but he was only able to learn of her deception during their 18th year of marriage when she gave birth just seven months after he arrived in the Philippines for a two-month vacation.

“I am an OFW, so I spent more time abroad than with my family. Bakasyon ko, seven weeks to three months. Iyong asawa ng kinakasama niya, nagme-message sa akin sa Facebook, pero nagtitiwala ako sa asawa ko kaya alam niya iyong password ko. Hindi rin ako laging nakakapagcheck [kasi seaman]. Pati Skype, email, nabubuksan niya. Iyon pala, finifilter na niya iyong messages, hindi ko nakikita,” Ricky, who has a son with his wife, said.

“May nagsasabi rin na ibang kamag-anak, kilala [sa akin na may iba ang asawa ko] pero hindi ako naniniwala. Naisip ko, naninira lang kasi nasa OFW nga ako. Saka pag umuuwi ako, napakabait ng misis ko. Pinagtitimpla ako ng kape, sinusundo sa airport. Pero meron pala siyang ginagawang hindi kanais-nais,” he added.

Ricky said he arrived in the Philippines on February 4, 2014, and returned overseas on March 28, 2014. He then received a call from his wife on July 28, 2014, telling him she gave birth to their child and that the baby is premature at seven months.

He asked a friend who is a nurse about his wife’s story, and realized something was off. He rushed back to the Philippines to check the records with his wife’s doctor, and it was revealed to him that the newborn child was not his.

“Hindi seven months [iyong bata]. Nine months. Masakit. Kasi may record iyong alis ko, sa passport, seaman’s book. Hindi tugma sa alis ko na March 28 tapos July 28. When I arrived in February, she was already three months pregnant,” he said.

Ricky said he asked his wife to explain why she cheated on him, but she refused to offer any explanation or even an apology. She was even dismissive.

“Ineninglish pa ako. Sabi, 'It is not the right time.' Sabi ko, bakit ayaw mong magpaliwanang? Kung ayaw mo magpaliwanag, bukas, aalis na ko. Pagbalik ko ng Pilipinas, hindi na ako babalik rito [sa bahay natin]. Wala ka ng obligasyon sa anak natin. Akin na iyon. Iyan na [bagong anak mo] ang obligasyon mo,” he said.

After the separation, their son lived with his mother.  He is now training for a job in the police force.  

Ricky said he remained civil with his estranged wife, who is now living in with a new partner. 

“Sabi ko na lang sa anak ko, hindi mo maiaalis ang katotohanan na ina mo pa rin siya. Sabi ko, alisin mo iyong galit, sama ng loob. Ibaling mo sa pag-aaral, huwag ka mag-focus sa nangyari sa amin na hindi ko naman inaasahan...na kaya ako nag abroad kasi nakikinood lang ako sa kapitbahay ng TV noon, nauulanan, kasi mahirap kami. Ayaw kong maranasan ng anak ko iyon,” he said.

But while his pain has seemingly healed, Ricky said people who have been through experiences like his should be given another chance at love and marriage with the passage of divorce bill.

He said that he exhaustively studied the options under the Family Code namely legal separation, annulment and declaration of nullity, and concluded that the law is inadequate.

He specifically cited that Article 47 of the Family Code is very prohibitive since it only allows the filing of petition for annulment five years from the discovery of the fraud which is hard to tell in his case who shared a home with his wife for 18 years.

“Dapat pa ba manatili ako kung ganun ang nangyayari na niloloko ako? Hindi na iyon magbabago. Alam rin ng in-laws ko kasi nakita na niya ang tunay na kulay niya. Iba-iba na ang kinakasama. Sayang lang ang pera [sa Family Code] kasi hindi ka pa rin nakakawala,” Ricky said.

“Marami kaming ganito pero iyong ibang lalaki are not bold enough to tell their story [that their wives cheated on them]. Still, the divorce bill is about civil rights. Sana makita nila sa Senado na obligasyon nila ito sa tao. Hindi ito usapin ng personal na interes. Sumasahod sila ng pera ng bayan. Dapat magkaroon sila ng hiya,” he said.

“Tinanggap nila ang mandato ng taumbayan, kaya may obligasyon sila na gumawa ng batas na makakatulong sa taumbayan,” he added.

Ironically, not everyone who experienced abuse–whether physically, mentally, or emotionally– wants to get divorced.

Jace: No breaking free

Jace, 44, who’s been married for almost 24 years won’t leave her husband even if he had several extramarital affairs because she believes in sticking to her spouse until her last breath.

She also believes that her children should benefit from the investments that they had established over the course of their marriage. 

“'Di sumagi sa isip ko kasi pinaglalaban ko rin naman na kasal kami. Lahat ng investments ay sa akin lahat. Kung ano man ang pinundar naming pagkakasal namin, lahat ‘yan sa mga anak ko mapupunta,” she said.

What she fears the most if she leaves her husband is that their investments would only go to his mistress, whom he would eventually marry.

“Sabi nga nila, ang haligi ng tahanan, nasa nanay ang power, pag bumigay ang nanay wala na ‘yan. Pinaninindigan ko pa rin ‘yung pagiging nanay ko sa mga anak niya. ‘Yung sinasabi ko na hanggang mawala ako nandiyan ako sa kanila na buo ang pamilya namin,” she said.

Over the course of their marriage, Jace’s husband had cheated on her thrice. She let go of the first two relationships because it was not that serious. But the third one was very traumatic for her.

Her husband and the mistress met in a business group in 2022. Their business relationship developed into something romantic, which is still ongoing.

The relationship went beyond the romance as her husband and his mistress started investing in real estate and small businesses.

She confronted her husband in an attempt to stop his extramarital affair, but it only led to several fights, which affected their children.

“Paulit-ulit kong pinapatawad pero ulit-ulit mo lang pala akong ginagawang tanga. Ginagago mo ko lahat-lahat kasi alam kong wala na [kasi] pinaniwala mo na ako pero hindi naman pala. Oo, nandoon na wala kang pagkukulang sa pinansyal pero sobrang dagok sa aming mag-iina,” she said.

“Mentally, hanggang ngayon, hindi siya nawawala. Katulad niyan nag-iisa ako. Kahit ilibang ko sarili ko, nandito sa utak ko pumapasok ‘yung lahat ng nangyayari sa kanila,” she shared.

Her husband’s infidelity has caused Jace sleepless nights that even the strong sleeping pills are no longer effective.

“Doktor ako nang doktor. Kung ano na lang mga medicine na hindi na tumatalab sa akin. ‘Yun ‘yung time na hindi na ako natutulog straight ng isang buwan, parang isang oras na lang, parang lutang na ‘yung utak ko tapos konting kibot nasa isip ko lahat ng nabasa ko sa conversation nila. Hindi na ako nag-iisip pero nandoon pa rin, hindi umaalis,” Jace recounts. 

Her doctors even advised her to undergo therapy, warning that she might hurt herself or, worse, hurt others.

Even though she’s suffering from her own mental health issues, Jace chose to prioritize the therapy of her eldest child who was diagnosed with depression due to their family problem.

“Grabe ‘yung impact sa kanila, pero ang pinaglalaban ko, ayaw ko ng broken family… Sinasabi ko sa anak ko, kung anuman ang nangyari sa atin at kung ano man ang darating, sana walang bibitaw kasi nung nag-asawa ako, pinanghawakan ko na kung sino man ang napangasawa ko, ‘yun na ‘yun at ayoko ng broken family,” she said.

Until now, Jace’s husband has yet to leave his mistress, choosing to keep her with the legal wife.

Jace said she trusts her husband’s words that he will eventually leave his other woman, and prioritize their children’s welfare above anyone.  

Anna: ‘Til death do us part

Anna, who is happily married for almost two decades and a mother to three children, is also against the divorce bill mainly because of her religious belief that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and that children should be the parents’ prime consideration. 

“Marriage is until death do us part. But what if you are being physically assaulted and your life is endangered? There is emotional abuse because of a third party? Hindi kasalanan na hiwalayan mo. Pero magiging kasalanan kapag sumama ka rin sa iba,” Anna said.

“At ang daming nasasagasaan. Iyong mga anak, maapektuhan sila. Kung palaging nag-aaway, puedeng sabihin nila, maghiwalay na lang kayo. But at the back of their mind, iniisip nila, sana ma-settle iyon,” Anna added.

Lastly, Anna doubts that the proposed divorce bill, which provides free legal assistance to petitioners whose combined assets are below worth P2.5 million, will be properly implemented because abusive spouses hardly go to jail in the first place.

“For the abusers, are we able to send them to jail? Hindi nga mapakulong iyon eh. Sasagutin ng gobyerno [ang divorce]? Mapapatupad ba iyon? Saan kukuha ng pondo eh hindi nga masolusyunan iyong kakulangan ng pagkain. Hindi rin magiging available ‘yan sa lahat,” she added.

Rosalyn: Stronger family

Rosalyn, 57, who remains married to her husband for over two decades even though he cheated on her and left her and their three children for four years without any explanation, is still conflicted when it comes to supporting the passage of the divorce law.

“I’m 60% against it, 40% in favor kasi I feel that it will weaken the foundation of our society which is its basic unit, the family. Mahina na nga siya ngayon, kaya baka lalo pa siyang hihina,” she said.

“Before we got married, we only had a marriage seminar for one, two hours. And we were even the older couple back then. A lot of those with us in the seminar were way younger couples. I don’t think one to two hours is enough to prepare you for your lifetime role ahead as a spouse and a parent. We should have measures that will strengthen the family,” she added.

Rosalyn said laws should be enacted to ensure that parents, including those who cheat on their spouses, are held to account when they fail to provide financial support to their children.

She recalled that when her husband left her, she found it hard to provide for their three kids.

“He was not supporting us financially, at noong natunton namin, andito lang pala sa Pilipinas, nagka-barangayan pa [para magbigay ng suporta],” she said.

“It was economic abuse under the VAWC (Anti-Violence Against Women and Children) law, kinausap siya at somehow, he started supporting us financially again,” she added.

Her husband’s extramarital affair lasted four years.  Rosalyn said she just took him back and went on with life.

“I don’t really know for sure since I did not want to know more than what I already knew. Or maybe it is because he saw that I was able to raise our children well on my own, at kahit ganun ang nangyari sa amin, ginagalang pa rin siya, hindi siya kailanman binastos bilang tatay. I think that made him turn a new leaf,” Rosalyn said.

Rosalyn, however, conceded that not all marriages can be saved by grace, and that violent marriages should be terminated as soon as possible.

“A marriage should end when there is violence involved. Our laws should make it easier for the battered spouses to end the marriage,” she said.

“Kasi pamilya ang winawasak mo, eh ikaw nga dapat ang nag-aalaga ‘nun,” she added.—RF, GMA Integrated News