Five crazy Christmas superhero comic books

Jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas is perhaps one of the most instantly recognizable characters in the world. The sight of him brings happiness to little children, warm feelings of hope and love to the faithful, and a petrifying sense of dread for the rest of the working class and their wallets.

 

Indeed, nothing says “Christmas” quite like the image of Santa Claus desperately trying to fit a large sack of toys and an even larger gut down a chimney that’s clearly three sizes too small for him. Thus, it’s no surprise that when the holiday season starts rushing in like eight overworked reindeer dragging a ridiculously large sleigh across the globe, the red-and-white guardian of goodwill tends to show up everywhere. Superhero comic books are certainly no exception.

 

Unfortunately, some of Santa’s four-color forays end up being the newsprint equivalent of a lump of coal in your stocking. Don’t cry and don’t pout, though, and we’ll tell you why – more often than not, they’re so astoundingly ridiculous that you just might end up “jingling all the way” in laughter (or fear).


 

 

1.       “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santron” (from Marvel’s 2005 Holiday Special)

 

 

This little story features the soon-to-be-a-movie-star villain Ultron rebuilt as some kind of death Santa robot.

 

It’s Christmas time at the Avengers mansion, which means Iron Man has a convenient excuse to build a robotic flying mistletoe and try to get all the lady Avengers to kiss him. One would think that (Tony’s shenanigans notwithstanding) this would be a perfectly wholesome and peaceful opportunity for the hardworking spandex-clad set to sit back, chug down a few eggnogs, and make fun of Doc Ock’s haircut in front of a roaring fireplace. Then again, this is the Marvel universe, where things explode and chaos breaks loose whenever a random teenager so much as pops a pimple  - a moment of peace and quiet, even during the holidays, is certainly out of the question.

 

The highlight of this comic, of course, is the aforementioned “Santron” (a clever portmanteau of “Santa” and “Ultron”, hohoho!), who drops in through the Mansion’s chimney with a smile so freaky that it could give the Joker a run for his money. Because the combined might of the Avengers somehow couldn’t handle a bearded robot whose idea of an intimidating catchphrase is “SANTRON---HAS-COME-TO-TOWN”, it’s up to Spider-Man to save the day by… webbing him up? Pulling his signature 15-hit Maximum Spider combo from Marvel vs Capcom 3?

 

Nope, he baits Ultron with Iron Man’s mistletoe repurposed as a freaking Christmas cookie, and blows it up as soon as the robot totally falls for the trap and eats it, despite the fact that, well, he’s a robot who shouldn’t even be able to eat things in the first place.

 

The heroes soon find the root of this problem - an electronics whiz who became disillusioned after being told that Santa doesn’t exist. The heroes deal with her by paying her a visit and sharing the spirit of Christmas, complete with freshly-baked cookies and an inspiring speech from Captain America about ideals, strength, and unity.

 

Cap’s best line in this comic sums up this story quite well, though, and it’s not even from his speech – “You’ve got to be kidding me.”


 

 

2.       Warrior #0 - X-mas Special (1996)

 

 

The next comic book on the list was written by former WWE wrestler The Ultimate Warrior, and is a clear example of the mess that would emerge from a seemingly out-of-left-field side career combined with a blatant attempt at cashing in on the holidays.

 

The meaningless #0 designation and the misspelled “Xmas” on the cover tells you that this comic was definitely a product of the ‘90s. Cracking the book open reveals that it isn’t so much a story as it is a collection of uber-stylized pin-ups featuring the main character, the Warrior, in various situations that mix the Christmas spirit with absurd amounts of violence and gore. The, er, “highlights” of the book include the Warrior chasing after a couple of toddlers with a fist full of candy canes raised menacingly, the Warrior strangling the life out of the Grinch, and a rather disturbing two-page spread of the Warrior putting on Santa’s pants as the jolly old soul lies passed out on the floor.

 

Feel free to browse through the rest of the comic if you could find a copy – don’t say we didn’t warn you, though.

 

 

3.       Santa the Barbarian (1996)

 

 

No list of crazy comics about pretty much any topic would be complete without mentioning comicdom’s lovable anatomy-disregarding artist, Rob Liefeld. One of the hottest artists during the ‘90s, Liefeld specialized in depicting muscular, top-heavy men with big guns and awkwardly obscured feet.

 

One of Liefeld’s most notable accomplishments, however, was inspiring a rather unique (and terrible) take on the legend of Santa Claus. The artist illustrated a trading card for Wizard Magazine depicting the holiday mascot holding a gun and a sword, posing behind a scantily-clad woman. For some reason, it was decided that the character was compelling enough to spawn a comic book.

 

Pretty soon, comic book readers were introduced to Santa the Barbarian - a burly, hairy man-beast decked out in axes, swords, and the sort of violent "naughtiness" that would normally land anyone a life sentence.

 

The comic book featured two eight-page stories, neither of which could actually be considered anywhere close to “heartwarming.” The first half of the book deals with Santa the Barbarian, uh, “eliminating” a good chunk of his Naughty Kids list for the year, while the second half involves the red-garbed character implementing a rather permanent (and bloody) solution when his elves decide to go on strike.

 

We’re pretty sure that this hyper-violent book was created with the sole purpose of scaring comic book readers into being nice.

 

4.       The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special (1991)

 

 

If you were somehow under the impression that no other comic could possibly match the previous entry in terms of sheer Yuletide violence, the disclaimer on this one-shot’s cover (which promises “Bad Taste In The Form Of Ultra-Violence, Icon-Bashing, And ‘The  Finger’”) should be able to persuade you otherwise.

 

The interstellar bounty hunter Lobo was originally created as a parody character - an over-the-top representation of the grim and gritty character designs and uber-violence that dominated the comics of the late ‘80s. Eventually, Lobo gained his own legitimate fan following, and has reached the point where he’s even being considered to star in a movie of his own (most likely R-rated, of course). Lobo’s solo comic book combines blood, swear words, weapons, and absolute irreverence for anything, which is why Santa’s appearance in the book ended up becoming a wicked re-imagining that could only be embraced by fans sharing the same twisted sense of humor.

 

In this story, the Easter Bunny, bitter after years of being overshadowed by the beloved Christmas celebrity, hires Lobo to kill him. The bounty hunter obliges, traveling all the way up to the North Pole and making short, brutal work of Santa’s helpers. Eventually, Lobo faces off with this story's version of Santa (revealed to be a violent, combat-ready slave-driver who prefers the name Kris Kringle), and manages to fulfill his mission by using the Christmas icon’s own weapon against him. The comic ends with Lobo taking a joyride on the Christmas sleigh, using it to drop nuclear bombs all over the world.

 

All of a sudden, coal doesn’t sound like such a bad alternative, does it?

 

5.       Sensation Comics #38 (1945)

 

 

There’s a magnificently insane level of hilarity that usually goes on within the pages of really old comic books. Blame it on the fact that those comics were written during a more innocent (and politically insensitive) time, or that back then, creators were willing to turn in stories about Batman turning himself into a fish or Superman having super-ventriloquism powers just to meet their printing schedules.

 

Anyway, Sensation Comics #38 tells the story of how Wonder Woman tried to bring Christmas cheer to a neighborhood with children who didn’t believe in Santa Claus.  Donning a Santa Claus costume - which basically amounted to her just adding white trim to her standard costume and throwing on a red cape – Wonder Woman boarded her invisible plane (don’t ask) to deliver presents to the community, and promptly gets involved in some kind of domestic dispute that ends up in her getting tied up (a rather frequent occurrence in the poor superheroine’s book) and forced to break into a bank vault to steal gold. Well, that escalated quickly. Golden Age storytelling goodness, right there.

 

The story wraps up rather hastily in the final couple of pages, where her overweight, candy-loving sidekick (creatively named Etta Candy) accidentally and conveniently saves her, just in time for the Maiden of Might to stop the bad guys, punch the leader in the face, and fly off in her invisible plane once again.

 

Ah, if only that bitter electronics genius from that Marvel comic earlier could have met Wonder Woman, perhaps she wouldn’t have become so bummed out about Santa not existing. Then again, based on what happens in this comic book, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

 

The moral of the story: If you want good holiday-themed tales, just stick to A Christmas Carol.

 

Happy Holidays, everyone. Hit it, Joker!

 

 

— TJD, GMA News