I don't relate to the word 'widow': Writer Lissa Romero de Guia on losing her husband

After a 10-year career as a theater actress in Miss Saigon and other international productions, Lissa Romero de Guia was living a joyful family life in Baguio with two young children when she suddenly lost her husband, the filmmaker Kidlat de Guia, who died in his sleep while visiting Spain in 2022.

When he died, Lissa had just taken a workshop on grieving after losing a close friend. She had also been doing yoga and meditation, and had experience counseling traumatized typhoon victims. A newspaper columnist and author, she has been writing openly about her grief and offers an example of how to deal with such a devastating loss. "I don't cope, I just allow," she tells Howie Severino. "You should allow that crucible of pain, that experience to shape you, to change you... I feel like that is the gift."

She and her two children, now 10 and 8, remember Kidlat every day, so they still feel his presence.

"My joke is that Kidlat couldn't have died at a better time in my life because in my 50 years here on earth, I've gravitated towards practices that are really about soothing the highly anxious child inside."

In this revealing conversation, de Guia talks about those practices, but also about the importance of writing to "right things" and adjusting to life as a single parent. She shares advice on how to talk to people going through loss. She quotes another writer who said, "Every love story is a ghost story." She explains what that means in this episode.

HOWIE: Magandang araw, podmates. Howie Severino muli na nagpapaalala na nakakatalino ang mahabang attention span.

Ang guest natin ngayon ay naging artista ng sampung taon sa musical theater sa UK at sa Germany at sa iba pang bansa. She starred in Miss Saigon, Rent and Joseph and The Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat. After her theater career ended, she moved back to the Philippines and became a writer. She got married and started a family.

Last year, she lost her husband suddenly and she has been writing about that loss with a lot of unhappiness and eloquence. Lissa Romero-de Guia, magandang araw sa 'yo and welcome to my podcast.

LISSA: Magandang hapon, Howie. And good afternoon to everyone listening.

HOWIE: Lissa, thank you for joining us. But before we start I just want to disclose and share with our listeners and viewers about a personal connection because I knew your late husband, Kidlat de Guia, since he was a child as I've been a longtime friend of his father, the filmmaker Kidlat Tahimik, who's also a National Artist.

So we were all shocked and very sad by his passing. The both of you have two young children, Kalinaw, who is 10, and Amihan or Mimi, who is 8. You're a writer, and part of your response to loss was writing about grief and how you've been handling it. And many are reading you as a master class of sorts in how to deal with grief.

Sabi mo sa sa isang essay mo, 'Nobody teaches us how to deal with loss and grief.' For years, you've been doing yoga. I know these things because of your writing. You've also been teaching others how to handle trauma after disasters. You meditate, and you've taken classes on how to process emotions, how to process grief. So you developed certain uncommon skills. So my first question is, do you think you were more prepared than most to handle loss?

LISSA: Yes, I think I definitely was. What I joke with other people is that Kidlat couldn't have died at a better time because I was actually in a really good place, vibrationally speaking. In my whole life I've been devoting myself towards practices that soothe the highly anxious child inside.

I was brought up to be a perfectionist and nothing gets more perfectionist than musical theater, right? Like that is an industry where you are not allowed to make mistakes and it's very public, right?

But when my son Kalinaw was born in 2013, I got interested in energy healing because I was introduced, I received healing. And so right before the pandemic hit, I had certifications in ThetaHealing, in neuro-linguistic programming. And then during the pandemic, I actually studied the self-love solution programs.

I was learning self-love and how to teach self-love to my clients. And so I was really practicing what I preached. And it's so funny because yeah, I'm a very intuitive person ever since I was a little girl. I've always been intuitive. And as a Virgo, normally when it's New Year, I usually have this practice where I reflect and then, I try to do a year forecast for myself. Parang goal setting, 'di ba?

But that year, New Year going into 2022, my inner guidance said not to do it. My inner guidance said, 'Just go inside, just be calm, just nurture yourself, and don't make any plans. Just allow what feels natural to flow.'

And so it was very puzzling. It was so, you know, not me, but I decided to listen. And I was doing a lot of gardening. I was, you know, like just very... I was nesting, I was taking care of my kids.

But because I was doing a lot of self-care practices like meditation and mindful movement and being creative, drawing, painting and all that, my vibration was so high. Like I was at an optimal level. And so when the shock of Kidlat's death came into our lives, suddenly I had this straight strength. I seem to have this soul strength. And I can only attribute that to that self-care, that self-love routine that I had built up.

HOWIE: Actually, one of the things that stood out for me about what you wrote about Kidlat was that what gave him the most joy was actually making others happy. And sabi mo, that was kind of in a way your polar opposite kasi sabi mo nga, early in your career, you're really about achieving perfection on the stage and, you know, being able to make it in this arena, 'di ba, and then, siya naman, he was just really about making people happy.

LISSA: And I think he must be a really evolved soul. You know, because that was a huge lesson for me. It was the most painful lesson. But I feel like I'm a better person because it happened. There's this line in the Tears for Fear song that says, 'Nothing ever changes unless there's some pain.'

So, yeah. Maybe some of us tigas ulo, we think we know everything. And then, bam! You know, like, you suffer a loss like that and life just brings you down to your knees. But I really... I'm not kidding when people experience loss and like you said, it's not even death, sometimes it's the loss of a relationship or a job or a home or whatever.

And they ask me, 'How do you cope with grief?' And I'm like, 'I don't. I don't cope. I just allow.' And when you allow, it transforms you.

It makes you question what you know in a good way, in a good way. And I feel like that is the gift. That's why you shouldn't avoid pain, that's why you shouldn't avoid grief, you shouldn't dissociate from your feelings. You should allow the crucible of that pain, you know, that experience to shape you, to change you.

HOWIE: Well, you know, Christmas is coming up. This is already the holiday season. And, of course, the great expectation is we're all going to be happy. And sometimes I think for some people going through loss, and especially we went through a pandemic, many people, you know, lost loved ones, friends.

What can you share with people now that, you know, we're in the middle of the holiday season already about how they should feel at a time when, you know, everyone's greeting each other, 'May you have a Merry Christmas,' and 'Happy New Year'. And, there's celebrations and parties and, you know, some people just aren't up to it, 'di ba?

LISSA: Totally.

HOWIE: What can you share with people? Is it a kind of loneliness that they should just embrace or they should be with other people who will make them feel less sad or happier?

LISSA: Actually, I took a workshop on grieving a week before Kidlat died because a month before Kidlat died, one of my best friends, Tata Mapa, passed away suddenly as well. So I learned so much from that workshop.

And one of the things that she taught that really helped me and also helps me deal with other grieving people is never assume that you know what the other person is feeling. And that also goes for yourself. Don't assume. Don't buy into that expectation na ,'Oh, she must be...' You know, like, 'Oh, I should feel sad because I'm a widow.' I don't even relate to the word 'widow', to tell you the truth. So, how does that
translate like how you treat other grieving people?

You don't like, go like, 'Hey, how are you?' And then, you do the head tilt. You know that? You know the... I try to avoid doing that because that happens to me. Like I could be having a perfectly happy day and then somebody that I haven't seen in a long time, they'll be like, 'Oh, Lisa, how are you?' Don't go like that.

Which automatically will, it's like it breaks my vibe. Like, I wasn't naman feeling sad at that moment. And then all of a sudden, they do that head tilt. So that's one thing I learned is like never assume that just because somebody just lost someone that you know exactly what they're feeling in that moment.

So, one thing I learned in this grief period that I would also recommend to other people who are grieving is learn to take it moment by moment. You know, you take it moment by moment. And then, you will notice that you're not naman sad every moment. You aren't. There will be moments of joy.

A huge word for me in the last two years has been 'allow'. Just allow yourself to be who you are from moment to moment. And when it comes to people dealing with friends who've just lost someone — and, you know, that's a problem with, I don't know if you noticed that also, like December, November, December, it feels like it's what they call harvest season, 'di ba? Parang ang daming humahabol. We lose a lot of people during this season. And it's good to acknowledge the season, but to also acknowledge that someone may be going through something.

So instead of saying 'Happy birthday' or 'Merry Christmas,' you could send a private message and say, 'Hey, thinking of you during this time.' Parang you're acknowledging that, 'I know you're going through something, I'm sending you good energy. I'm thinking of you during this time.' Hindi 'yung biglaang, 'Uy, happy anniversary' when you've lost a spouse. Parang you can say, 'Hey, I'm thinking about you.'

So there are ways to show how you feel that you feel for the other person. You're also acknowledging the season, but also not in this inauthentic, haha, forced gaiety way.

HOWIE: It's a common situation. You suddenly see this friend who you know lost a loved one, maybe not very recently, but maybe in the last year, but you hadn't really seen each other for a long time.

So ano dapat ang gawin? For me also, minsan, it's an awkward situation kasi hindi ka nakapunta roon sa burol. So you never really had a chance to offer your condolences or sympathies. Pero parang
that was like several months ago, 'di ba? I mean, should you interact with this person as if nothing happened?

LISSA: Of course not.

HOWIE: 'Di ba? Or offer some kind of comforting words? Pero sabi mo nga, baka masira 'yung mood ng tao na he or she may be, you know, be in the middle of a happy experience and then all of a sudden,
parang, you know, you tilt that head again and then, biglang magbabago 'yung mood?

LISSA: Yeah, I think it's best to be authentic, you know? Ikaw na magtantiya kung gaano ka-close sa taong 'yun. I really suggest to people be authentic, be real. Kung if you're not that super close, then don't, you know, do the whole nakikiramay bit, you know?

Some of the best greetings I got during that time were, 'You know what, Lissa, there are no words. Can I give you a hug?' You know, and this is even though Omicron was going on. Oh my God. I hugged so many people. But I didn't naman, I didn't get sick.

But for me, that was the most genuine. And that felt so, so good. But I, like I said, you know, some people don't like hugging. So, you know, bahala ka na magtimpla.

And then, it's okay to say that you're sorry. I think what I would move away from, what I would suggest people to move away from is trying to give words of wisdom. That's really annoying. I mean, maybe two years down the road, yeah, sure. But when it just happened, please don't say, 'Kailangan na kasi siya ni Lord.' Or ano ba 'yung mga sinasabi ng mga tao? Or, 'Kasi his mission here is done.' And I'm like, 'No,
it's not.'

HOWIE: Or, 'He's in a better place.' Madalas mo marinig 'yun. 'He's in a better place.'

LISSA: I know. And I'm like, please don't say that. Because not immediately. Maybe like a year, two years after the passing, sure. But not like a month, six months after. Because basically, frankly, the family, you know, the loved ones don't understand. Even though we all know that we all have a 100% chance of dying, it doesn't matter what philosophy you come from. If you love, you will grieve. That's the price we pay as, you know, we say.

HOWIE: I want to ask you about your writing naman, 'no? Kasi you ended your musical theater career some years back and you decided to become a writer. So you have a writing career now and you've written several books. And you also like quoting other writers, 'no?

But it seems like you have an advantage over some, because you have writing as a tool to process, you know, these complex emotions, 'no? But you quoted the writer, David Foster Wallace, who once said, you quoted him in one of your essays.

LISSA: Yeah.

HOWIE: He said, 'Every love story is a ghost story.' I found that intriguing. Of course you, you expand on that in your essay. But for our listeners and viewers, how do you understand that quote? 'Every
love story is a ghost story.'

LISSA: Yes. Because of the truth that, well, one day, you're going to lose the person that you love. And then, you will enter into this realm of trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with this person that you lost. Because even if you lost them physically, at least in my case, I'm very sensitive and like I said, I'm very intuitive and did part of my work that sometimes I do channel the dearly departed for other people. So I already have this muscle that's very strong in sensing Kidlat.

But even with those tools, I still had to figure out how to be in relationship with Kidlat. But it's funny 'coz I don't think of him as a ghost. I mean, I came across the quote because I was watching this Netflix movie right after he died. I think it's called The In- Between. And that quote came right at the beginning of that movie. And it just jumped out at me.

When you're married, your lives are so intertwined, you know. And you don't realize how intertwined your life is and how this person occupies so much of your universe until the person passes away.

Even if I know this person is soul, even if I know this person is in spirit form, and I can still communicate with this person, it was like, wow, you will have to relearn the whole world again and come up with your own story again of being, in being in the world.

HOWIE: Yeah. Oo, kasi kasama roon sa routines mo 'yung tinatawag mong morning pages where, you know, soon after you wake up, you kind of write stream of consciousness. And that's I guess that's how you also remember a lot of your dreams kasi you write a lot about your dreams. They seem so vivid. Unlike my dreams, parang they were vivid when I was dreaming them pero paggising ko parang, 'Ano ba 'yung napanaginipan ko?'

So I guess that's part of the secret of being able to retain a lot. It's just, you know, writing when things are fresh.

But I want to ask you about another quote that you mentioned in one of your essays. I think this is the quote by one of your mentors.

Sabi niya, 'By writing, we right things.' Meaning, 'yung right is R-I-G-H-T. So by writing, we right things. In Filipino, 'Sa tuwing magsusulat, may itinutuwid tayo.' How does writing do that? How does writing correct things?

LISSA: You know the beauty of doing morning pages or stream-of-consciousness writing is that it gets your thoughts out on the page. Well actually, Natalie Goldberg, she calls it like getting the garbage out. You get the petty, whiny, repetitive, argumentative, jealous, small ego voice out of your head and onto the page.

I've been doing it for 25 years already. It's my way of connecting with my authentic self because that petty, whiny, repetitive voice, we think that's who we are but actually it's not. It's just who we think we are.

And so when you put it on the page, you actually kind of objectify it. It goes out of you. You're no longer swimming in the muck of your own thoughts and your own words. And so what the magic that happens when you do that as a practice, so it becomes not just a writing practice, but like a spiritual practice.

I say spiritual because you get in touch with who you really are. Or if you don't want to use words like that, you're getting in touch with your subconscious, you know, or you're connecting with universe. You're allowing things to flow through you. So for me, I write every day because it's my way of connecting to my true self.

I get grounded on the page. I can breathe on the page. I calm down when I write. Like when I used to get really grouchy, Kidlat would actually tell, and because 'yun nga there I was breastfeeding, running the household and he would, when I'd get really grouchy and he'd be like, 'Oh, I think you need to go and write.'

So he would like take care of the kids and like, 'Sige. You go, you go to Starbucks or whatever, to some cafe and write in your diary.'

So, yeah, I think that's why it's such a great practice when you write things, you right things.

HOWIE: So how has writing helped you deal with loss?

LISSA: Well, I feel like it keeps me sane because again, like I said, a while ago, my writing practice, it just allows me to connect to my true self, my inner self. I just surrender to the feelings and doing stream of consciousness writing is allowing.

You're not trying to be mabango or look good for anyone. No one's going to read that diary. You're just doing it for you. So doing stream of consciousness writing or morning pages is a huge act of sovereignty, of authenticity.

And so Charity taught me, my grief counselor taught me that you simply allow. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You simply allow yourself to be. And so my writing, I would just unleash all my feelings on the page. The writing that I sent to you or that I post on Facebook since Kidlat passed, I mean I don't even really call that writing because my diary since the day he passed has just become one long love
letter. I wasn't planning it. It just every passage just starts with 'Dear Kidlat.' It's like I can't stop talking to him. And so sometimes it's coherent enough to be published, you know.

But so yeah, I highly encourage people who are grieving to use writing, especially if they're having a hard time showing their feelings, like maybe writing to just be themselves on the page. No one's gonna read.

If you want, if you're afraid of people to read it, you can even burn it after you write. But it's just good to... It's a huge exhale, Howie. You're not coping with the grief. You're allowing the grief. There's a big difference there.

HOWIE: Well, you published some of your essays in a book. Last year, 'yung People I Have Been. So it's very personal and a lot of it is also about your feelings. Obviously, this is much more refined than probably your morning pages. Yet, they were also very personal and full of emotion. Some of them is brutally honest, very honest. But many of the essays were actually written... Actually most if not all, no, were written before Kidlat passed, tama ba 'yun?

LISSA: Yes.

HOWIE: And it was only like the introduction that was written after you lost him, right?

LISSA: That's right.

HOWIE: There's a lot of honesty in those essays. Did you share these essays with him you know, well, during that writing, process after you wrote them? Did he see this, did he see the contents of the book?

LISSA: Yes. Some of them. Because some of these started as a Facebook post. Because I only started posting them I think in 2010. Because 'di ba, everyone was into blogging in the early 2000's, and I'm still from the generation that tends to hide one's diary rather than publish it. So it took me a long time to have the guts to actually like put it out there. But you know Facebook happened and then people were posting notes. I thought, 'Okay. Sige, I'll post a few notes here and there.'

So that's when I realized that, 'Hey, maybe what I'm writing is, you know, essay.' I didn't even know what the personal essay was honestly. So for sure he's read some of it, some of the brutally honest stuff which involves him, yeah, he definitely read it.

Actually, there was one essay that didn't make it to the book not because of him but because I forgot about it. But I came across it recently in Facebook Memories and I remember he spoke to me privately about that one and he was a bit pissed off. Parang he felt like too exposed.

But there's one essay in the book and it's really long and it's very personal. It involves, you know marital strife and all that and when I asked him, 'Is it okay with you? Did I share too much?' And then, his response was, 'I'll live.'

HOWIE: Well, you also wrote about your first marriage.

LISSA: Oh yes.

HOWIE: And how it ended also. You know when I was reading it, I felt like, 'Oh my gosh. Should I be reading this?' It was quite personal. I mean most people probably would not publish that for fear of you know hurting someone or just because it's quite private. Was this also published on Facebook first and then, Kidlat read it also?

LISSA: No. You know what? I wrote that essay as a submission to enter the writing workshop of Wilfredo Pascual. It was the 3rd Nueva Ecija Personal Essay Writing Workshop. And I wanted to get into that workshop so badly but I also wrote that essay without any intention of showing it to the public. It was just really for the workshop. And Eugene Evasco was one of the panelists and when I told him that, he just gave me this withering look like, 'E, ba't mo pa sinulat?'

I mean, I'm not saying this as a criticism to him. I love him so much. But natawa lang talaga ako. Parang he looked at me like parang, 'Ano ba? Bakit mo pa pinabasa sa amin kung hindi mo naman ipa-publish?' So I included it in the book.

But right before printing, I almost took it out. And when I told my publisher, 'I want to remove that essay, it's too personal,' my publisher said, 'No, are you kidding? That's the best essay in the book. And someone who is going through the same thing, you know, it might give them courage to make the right decision for themselves.'

So when she put it that way, I realized that as a writer, as an artist, it's not always about you. You don't realize how your art might impact somebody's life or might even save a life, actually.

At first I was so worried that I'd be accused of navel-gazing and stuff like that. But I've gotten enough feedback on my work to know that there is a very important reason why we write personal essays, why
we write about our lives. It's because we learn from one another. And also there might be a blind spot in you that you don't know about. But when you read somebody's life story or somebody's essay, it might shine a light on this thing that is troubling you. So I feel like it's so important that we write and that we read one another or have a genuine dialogue with one another. I mean, that's why we're human, that's why my philo teacher in Ateneo used to say, 'That's why you have only one mouth and two ears.'

HOWIE: Is it really possible to move on or let go? These are cliches but you hear it a lot, sometimes not even in the context of loss, but it's like episodes in our history, 'di ba? May mga political leader that tell you, 'We need to move on from that.' But of course, these terms probably resonate differently for you. I'm just wondering what would that mean for you? And then, I've also heard you say rather than move on, we should move forward. Move forward. So ano 'yung kaibahan nu'n?

LISSA: It's interesting that you brought up the issue of politics. Because I was listening to your podcast, your interview with Patricia Evangelista and there is something that we need to acknowledge as a
nation. You know, so many of us who grew up during the Martial Law years, we were exposed to so much trauma. My subconscious is full of fear. People were getting salvaged, you know. People were getting dumped, bodies were getting dumped in empty lots. You know, I grew up in a country where I couldn't trust people in uniform. The fear is planted in me.

And when I say things like that, there's like all of a sudden, there's this wall that comes up and says, 'Op, maybe you shouldn't have said that.' I'm constantly editing myself. And I realize it's because there's so much trauma that hasn't been processed. It hasn't been allowed. It hasn't been allowed.

And that's why how can we move on from that when there has been no allowing, when there has been no asking of forgiveness, where there has been no true redemption, true healing. No true justice.

HOWIE: You're right.

LISSA: 'Di ba? So I was listening to that podcast and just thinking about how, yeah, we are trying to move forward. But I think I can safely say na parang it's like trying to move forward with one leg missing and no crutch. It's like we're just, you know, one step forward, two steps back. We are stuck with this culture of impunity. We are stuck with this culture that allows EJKs and all that. Is that moving forward? I don't think so.

So on the personal level, yes, I feel that now I am moving forward with Kidlat still in my life because I did allow those feelings. I had to face all those feelings of guilt and grief and whatever. I allowed it to come out. It was very public, right, how I expressed it. Not because I want to be public, but that's just like, 'Hello. We live in an age of social media.' It's like, it's a selfie generation, right?

For me, how I see this is when you move on, you're implying na parang nakalimutan mo na. You've left that other person behind. So that doesn't resonate with me. That's why I move forward. I know I carry that grief, I still miss him like anything. But I have now recalibrated reality for myself.

I am attuned to the things that bring me joy. I am in relationship with the people that I love. I'm in my sole purpose. And so because I was able to allow myself to just be myself and be messy, be whatever, unattractive and just whatever, just respecting where I was in my journey now.

Actually, it's amazing that you're asking me this now because it's only really literally like in the last week that I realized I feel like my grief has actually shifted. And I feel that now I have more energy. I'm taking energy from my grieving and I'm now putting it into projects that I love, that I'm interested in.

What people don't know is it's not the first year of grief that's the hardest. It's actually the second year of grief that's the hard... It's harder than the first because in the first year of grief, you're so busy. Actually, you're busy surviving, you know.

But you're also doing a lot of things, paperwork and all these. But in the second year, when people expect you to go back into regular programming, you realize you can't because the person that you used to do the regular programming with is not there.

So, you have to reinvent what that new normal is for you. So, this year has been tough for me personally. There were many months where I couldn't, I just didn't do anything. Of course, I have to work to sustain my family and all that. But I felt like I was doing the bare minimum requirement of a decent human being. Basically, I was just in survival mode.

There were many, many months, many weeks where I was just bawling my eyes out. Like every day, just feeling extremely lonely. Or sometimes you get sides, you know, you're blindsided by the grief. Like you're just decluttering, you're just wiping off the mold from your books because it's rainy season.

Like it happened the other day, like all of a sudden, I found the dialogue notebook. I found letters to me from Kidlat and I just absolutely lost it. But because I have this grief counselor who said, 'Just allow, just let it be'; that's what I did. I just really let it out.

But then I noticed, but I said the intention. I said, I prayed about it, and I would tell God, 'God, you know, this grief, it's there. I can't do anything about it but it's also kind of getting boring.' You know, I was getting bored with myself, but I wasn't judging myself. It's there, what can I do?

But you know, you're also starting to get bored. So I was asking God, 'Please find a way for me to pull, to unplug from that programming and to put energy, to pull my energy back so I can create new things.' So that I can put more energy into things that I love, that can build a richer life. So that I can have fun, 'di ba?

But I wasn't consciously doing anything. I wasn't doing anything to make that happen. But last week, I noticed that I remembered Kidlat and I didn't cry. When he would come into my mind, I would just send him love. And I wouldn't feel or you just feel a tiny pinch. But it's not anymore this diving down the rabbit hole and just losing so much energy. Because it's exhausting when you, 'di ba, when you're pulled down by the grief.

It takes a lot of energy to pull yourself back out and try to get on with your day and do what's necessary in the day. So that was the biggest sign. I was like, 'Oh, wow. Parang it's not anymore this... you
know, hagulgol.' It was like, I remembered him. I wasn't filled with despair, basically.

And I am doing more things now. I'm able to see my clients. I'm able to engage in other activities. And hopefully, I'll also be able to finish my new memoir. So, so yeah, good things.

HOWIE: So Christmas season, any family rituals? And are you planning anything that will include remembering Kidlat?

LISSA: You know, it's really funny. Because a lot of people think that it's the big holidays that get us who are grieving. But actually it's not. It's the everyday stuff, it's the everyday stuff, like going to the grocery, you know, especially in the first two years of loss.

So I do practices with my kids so that we can enjoy the holidays together but we remember Kidlat every day, you know, in little things. It doesn't even have to be a big to do. Like, it's more like, 'Oh, if Tati were here, what would he say?' 'Oh, if Tati were here, he would have gotten such a big bite out of that
sandwich.' Like Kalinaw is really into telling jokes and riddles now. So sometimes I'll be like, 'Oh wow, Tati would have liked that one.'

So it, you know, it's like remembering him in the little things or doing things like making his favorite tomato pasta because that was his specialty, to make roasted tomato pasta sauce. Or like when we were on holiday, I was taking lots of pictures of graffiti because that's what Kidlat used to do.

And so I do it consciously. Like I do it with him in my heart na, 'I know you like this, so I'm going to do it with you for you, remembering you as I do it.'

HOWIE: So what would you like others to remember about Kidlat?

LISSA: He used to call himself a little radio transmitter for God's love, you know.

So knowing Kidlat and seeing, you know, witnessing his passing and all, experiencing that, he taught me that it's not about accomplishments. 'Di ba so many of us are so into achieving, accomplishing... Actually, I'm talking about myself, I'm so driven. I thought that's what was important, you know, leaving a legacy of this and that.

But with Kidlat, I realized like, wow, he really had the right idea. He was so much about being a channel for love for others. He was the professional friend, you know, he would help so many people just by listening to them and giving them advice.

I remember once he had a shoot in Basilan for Balay Mindanao and he also flew to Zamboanga for that project. And he told me, 'You know, I know I'm going in my capacity as a filmmaker but I also know that I'm like a little radio transmitter for love and peace.' So even if he's being a filmmaker and he's interviewing someone or he's telling someone where to put the camera now, he's so aware that he's, you know, that he is a channel for peace in that area, to those people in that area.

So when he passed, I was so humbled. I was so humbled, Howie. Parang what a big soul lesson this guy gave. And, but I also don't want to, I mean, what was it Padma once said, I don't want to romanticize the dead, you know? And one thing that I'm grateful for, even though my kids are still so young, they were so young when they lost him but old enough to have experienced so much laughter with Kidlat. He was just the funniest guy.

His role in 'di ba, you assign chores to one another in a marriage, and one of his chores was to read the bedtime story to them. And me, I would read it straight. You know, I would really follow the book, whatever was written there but Kidlat would play with it.

HOWIE: And you're the actress.

LISSA: I could do like character voices and all, but Kidlat was like, sometimes he'd read the book backward. Or sometimes he'd change the story and then, the kids would be like, 'Tati, 'that's not the story.' But they'd be laughing, you know.

So, so they remember that. I mean, I used to say to people na he's the Mary to my Martha.

HOWIE: He's the Mary. You're the Martha. Oo.

LISSA: He's the one who got the idea na it's not about the chores, it's not about getting things all squared away. It's about being present to one another. Or like one of the things I loved seeing him do is when we're at the beach and he just goes into the water and he floats, like completely surrendered. He just floats above the water. And just completely enjoying that moment.

And that's a huge thing that I'll remember about Kidlat, that he really knew how to enjoy life. He knew how to enjoy the moment. And he had the right idea about enjoying his time with people, really being present for others.

HOWIE: Beautiful memories, Lissa. It's actually a great way to end this conversation. So, we want to thank you for sharing so eloquently and for being so open about your journey with us now and, and for so many of your readers. So, maraming salamat, Lissa Romero-de Guia.

LISSA: Thanks for having me.