Rikki Mae Davao on coming out gay to your parents

Si Rikki Mae ang unang anak na babae nina Ricky Davao at Jackie Lou Blanco. Daddy's girl din siya. Nagkaroon siya ng unang crush noong Grade 3 siya — pero sa kapwa babae.

Tumagal nang mahigit isang dekada ang hinintay niya bago niya nasabi sa magulang ang kanyang sekswalidad.

Ang kanyang coming out story, ikinuwento niya kay Doc Anna sa episode na ito ng Share Ko Lang.

 

DOC ANNA: Hello mga Kapuso! Ako si Dra. Anna Tuazon, ang inyong kakwentuhan na psychologist sa Share ko Lang.

Ngayong araw makakasama natin ang proud member ng LGBTQ+ community at anak ng veteran actors na sina Ricky Davao and Jackie Lou Blanco na si Rikki Mae Davao para pag-usapan kung paano nga ba siya nag-out sa kanyang sekswalidad at paano ito tinanggap ng kanyang mga magulang.

Hi Rikki! Welcome to Share Ko Lang!

RIKKI: Hello! Hello, mga Kapuso! Hello po, Doc Anna! Thank you so much for having me today. Excited na ako sa pag-uusapan natin ngayon.

DOC ANNA: So when did you start finding out na parang uy teka, may nararamdaman ako? Usually it starts with crushes, ‘di ba? Kailan mo nasimulang maramdaman that there is something?

RIKKI: I think for me po, it was in Grade 3, mga 9 years old. Grade 3, meron na akong naging crush sa school ko. Tapos even, actually growing up po kasi dinadala ako sa taping ng parents ko. Syempre na-meet ko ‘yung mga kilala natin ngayon. E dati crush ko nu'ng kinder ako si John Prats, si Patrick Garcia, as in sobrang crush ko sila nu'ng bata ako. And then jino-joke nga namin ng family ko nu'ng medyo tumatanda na ako, sabi ko, ‘Parang mas cute si Camille Prats, parang mas type ko si Cheska Garcia’. So pinapagtawanan namin na medyo nag-shift na ‘yung attraction. So 'yun, Grade 3 I think when I was started developing parang ‘yung kilig, crush sa same sex.

DOC ANNA: At that time, at that young age, 9 years, paano mo naintindihan ‘yung kilig na ‘yun? Sabi mo nga, from John Prats to Camille Prats. Did it all feel the same? Or parang, ‘Bakit sa girls ako kinikilig?’

RIKKI: I think naman the feeling is the same, in general. Lahat tayo alam ‘yung feeling ‘pag you want to be around someone or kinikilig ka talaga to be with that person.

So, I think the first time na na-feel ko na parang, ‘Ay bakit parang hindi okay sa mga tao or bakit iba ‘yung tingin?’. So, when I felt that, that was Grade 3, because ‘yung mga teachers ko nagkaka-feeling na, na, ‘Ay parang iba ‘yung asta nito sa isa’t-isa’. Kasi that time nagre-reciprocate ‘yung crush ko e. Parang nag-friends kami, ganun.

Actually there was a time na pinatawag pa ‘yung mga parents namin. Tapos ‘yung mga parents namin, nag-meet pa sa ibang house at pinag-usapan 'yung friendship namin. So, syempre, kami, deny-deny, friends lang kami kasi lumaki na siya [issue] ng konti e. But in that situation, important talaga ‘yung role ng parents kasi syempre sila ‘yung magse-set ng tone e. So, may mga ibang parents na parang, ‘Don’t be friends with Rikki Mae o Rikki’. Pero meron din 'yung iba na wala, normal lang.

So, doon ko na-feel ‘yung unang parang, ‘Ay, may bawal’. At that time lang, ‘yung parents ko naman, they didn’t make me feel like something was wrong. So wala naman silang sinabi sa akin, ‘Ay, don’t do
that, don't do that’. So, siguro kaya medyo naging confident din ako to just be honest or be open of who I am kasi sa main parent ko or ‘di ba sa role model ko, hindi naman nila ako pinagsasabihan na mali.

DOC ANNA: So yeah, Grade 3. All of that Grade 3, 9 years old. From then on, kailan ka actually unang nagsabi sa parents mo? Sino nauna?

RIKKI: Si Mommy. Si mom ‘yung nauna. I think ‘yung sinabi ko na talaga was in third year high school. Doon ka na parang ‘yung officially parang, ‘Ay confirmed! I’m confirming it na’. ‘Yun, doon ‘yun sa third year high school na.

DOC ANNA: So was it always that easy, Rikki? Did your mom accept it right away from the very beginning or was there, ’di ba, balik tayo sa actual coming out.

RIKKI: No, it wasn’t easy. Yes, I’m blessed to have parents that are moreunderstanding and did not, hindi sila ‘yung, 'Don’t do that, mali ‘yan' or ano. But it wasn’t easy for me to say it or to come out.

And growing up, I would think na, 'Ay, hindi ko kailangan mag-out kasi I know na e.' Parang bakit pa? What for? And then I encountered a situation where I ended up to tell my mom or parang coming out to her. And then, parang siguro mga 1 hour, siguro mga 45 minutes kami na nag-uusap, and she knew I had to tell her something. Pero hindi ko masabi.

So ‘yun pala, for me, may nangyayari rin internally na you know, I was thinking, why can’t I say it? Am I
ashamed? Is there something wrong? Bakit nahihirapan akong sabihin? So, you know, even if sa sarili ko, ah confident ako growing up. ‘Yun pala, I still needed pala this validation din from my family na akala ko hindi ko naman kailangan kasi ‘di ba confident e. So ‘yun, it took me an hour to finally say like, even my mom was like, 'Rikki Mae, do you want me to tell you what I think you want to tell me?' Parang alam niya na kasi parang ano pa, ang tagal. Naghihintay na siya.

Sabi ko, 'No, ma. I need to say this kasi if I don’t, what’s the point? Why can’t I tell this to you?' So sabi ko, 'Ma, I have a girlfriend. I’m gay.' Sabi niya, 'I know.' And then umiyak siya. Tapos umiyak — actually that time, kasama ko ‘yung girlfriend ko, — umiyak ‘yung girlfriend ko. So umiyak na rin ako.

And then, to answer your question, was it easy? It was not because,syempre ‘yung mom  ko is coming from her own set of beliefs. Or, lalo na her, she’s very devout. She’s very faithful, very godly talaga. And at that time, I think sa mind niya meron push and pull. May ano ba, may pagmamahal sa anak, ano sa Diyos. Alam ko she went through her own difficulty din. Pero in time, like what I always tell people who ask me about coming out, I always say the first reaction is not the last.

DOC ANNA: And then sabi mo nga, parang I’m sure na-imagine mo talagang may internal struggle si mommy sa loob kaya talagang — Kasi on one hand, how can I share, tell her this is okay, and at the
same time, is it okay? Okay ba talaga ito?

RIKKI: Actually, Doc, she told me that day na, 'Okay, it’s alright, but don’t get married to a girl.' May ganun siya.

DOC ANNA: So parang nag-set siya ng limit?

RIKKI: Oo, that’s her initial ah. Nu'ng throughout time, nag-iba na rin ‘yung paningin niya.

DOC ANNA: How was it with dad naman? And then they don’t live in the same household at that point. So medyo iba na. How was it with dad?

RIKKI: Siguro 3rd year din ako nu'n with my dad.

So, ‘yung sa dad ko, it was different. Mas nahihiya akong sabihin sa kanya pero meron kaming instance  na nag-away kami kasi pareho kaming “Ricky”, pareho kaming hard-headed. Daddy’s girl kasi ako. So, medyo same kami ng ano. So, nag-away kami, and then hindi kami nag-uusap. So, ako syempre bilang ako ‘yung anak, I wrote a letter. Kasi na-disrespect ko siya, separate issue, and I answered back.

So, I wrote in a yellow pad, 'Dear papa..” The first word, 'I am gay. I have always been gay, and I hope
you can accept me,' blah blah blah. And then I said, sorry for the other.

DOC ANNA: Inunahan mo. ‘Yun ang pinakaunang sinulat.

RIKKI: Inunahan ko para boom, bulaga! Parang go big na tayo. So ‘yun, I gave it to him. And my dad is the type na hindi rin kamo masyadong confrontational. Siguro he needs time to cool off muna kasi
nag-aaway nga kami that time. So, I gave it to him, wala siyang sinabi. He didn’t mention it, he didn’t talk about it. Wala, parang okay. But he didn’t make me feel any... Wala, he didn’t say anything negative
about it. Hindi lang namin pinag-usapan.

So, ako, ‘yun naging style ko. Sa mga hindi pa nag-a-out diyan, baka gusto niyong i-adopt ito. I find kasi that people fear, or takot sila sa mga hindi nila alam or naiintindihan. So, ako, na-feel ko ‘yun e, na parang siguro ‘yung parents ko baka they don’t know what to say kasi hindi nila maintindihan, baka hindi din nila alam. So, ‘yung naging style ko is to just slowly introduce different topics, hindi ‘yung one time big time na marriage equality, gender discrimination. So parang ano lang, I wanted to also, I know that they are going through their own process, so gusto ko rin na, okay, sige, one at a time.

So, kunwari kami nu'ng dad ko nasa bank kami, doing errands. E naghihintay kami. Kasi very clear pa sa 'kin ‘yung mga moments. Naghihintay kami for the teller. Sabi ko, 'Pa, I just wanted to tell you, I’m dating pala someone from the south. Is it okay if I go there on Tuesday?' Kasi nagpapaalam ‘di ba sa parents, 'Okay lang ba punta ako doon sa Tuesday? I’m dating kasi someone from there.' Sabi niya, 'Okay, what’s her name?' ‘Yung ganun. So, slowly, siya na ‘yung nag-a-ano. And then after that, cut
na. We talk about something else na, and then next time, 'Oh dad, kami na!'. 'Oh congrats, congrats!'

So slowly, you know para for him, hindi ‘yung tuloy-tuloy. Parang na-aabsorb. And then on their end, they also talk to people about it. ‘Yun din ‘yung important. If we, ‘yung mga LGBT, need a support group to feel accepted, sila din, kasi syempre meron din silang pinagdadaanan na you know, confusions, difficulties.

DOC ANNA: And if you think about it, even mga magulang, wala rin silang guide ‘di ba kung paano nila ipa-process, paano nila i-accept, paano nila ise-share lalo na kung public figure sila. So ang sabi mo nga, all the more then. Sabi mo nga, ‘Oh, the fact that they're okay with it, they are willing to share.’

‘Yun pa ‘yung isang ano e. Kasi when I talk to parents, I try to help them make sense when their kids come out or parang may nase-sense. Actually, most of the time, may nase-sense ‘yung parents. Bihira ako maka-meet ng parents na talagang no clue. Especially if you’re with them and you’re raising these kids. Parang siguro naman may matutunugan ka. Pero usually nga, one of the sad things because ‘yun na nga, depende sa messaging, depende sa kultura nu'ng mga pamilya. It's become that hindi first to know ang parents ‘di ba? Nauuna sa friends, sa peers.

RIKKI: Last sila.

DOC ANNA: Yeah. Parang it's one of those sad things na hindi naman kasalanan ng mga bata kasi it makes sense also kasi you have the most to fear.

RIKKI: Exactly. It's always hardest to come out to the ones that you’re closest to kasi ‘yung opinion nila ‘yung pinahahalagahan mo e.

DOC ANNA: Kaya nga minsan I try to get parents to understand kasi minsan na-hurt sila, na sila ‘yung huli. And I say it’s not intentional in that sense. It’s just that ‘yun na nga, your words, how you react,
your eyebrows, how your eyebrows move when they tell you it matters so much. It can devastate their world and they don’t know. The kids don’t know if they can handle that.

RIKKI: Actually, nagkukuha tayo ng lakas sa mga ibang tao sa labas para ‘pag we’re telling the people that matter the most, kahit anong mangyari parang ‘di ba, at least you have other support around you. Very crucial talaga ‘yung sa parents.

DOC ANNA: Kaya nga sa akin, if I was a fairy godmother, I wish I could wave a wand where such that that’s not the fear anymore. ‘Di ba ‘yung alam mo na you can be assured na your parents will be the first ones to understand.

RIKKI: Sana. Yeah.

DOC ANNA: So, between Grade 3 to 3rd year, 9 to about what, 15, 16 years old. Medyo matagal-tagal din ‘yun. Sabi mo nga kanina, sometimes coming out isn’t necessary. Hindi mo kailangan sabihin talaga, verbatim, ‘di ba, ito ako. And hindi ibig sabihin nagtatago ka, ‘di ba, you’re just
yourself. You’re being yourself. Bahala ka na what people you know think and understand it. Exactly. Were you always like that since Grade 3? Or, meron part rin sa 'yo na you know itatago ko na lang ito,
ikikimkim ko na lang ito?

RIKKI: Ako naman, yes and no. So depende kung sino ‘yung nakaharap sa akin. So, if it's mga friends and stuff, wala, not really. Hindi ako nag no-no, pero ‘yun nga, in my experience madaming rumors kasi.
So, minsan may mga friends ako na hindi naman kami romantically involved, naru-rumor, na-tsitsismis. So, ‘yung mga ganun, dine-deny ko talaga. Pero when it comes to feeling the need to hide, I think more on authority figures, teachers or mga titas. Syempre minsan may mga tita ka na hindi sila nahihiya magtanong, parang, ‘Uy, tomboy ka ba?’

DOC ANNA: Talagang tinatanong ka na?

RIKKI: Oo, growing up. ‘Ay, no po tita, boyish lang po ako’. ‘Yung mga ganu'n. Pero ‘yung parents ko naman, they never asked directly din kasi. So, siguro, pero tinatago ko sa mga nakakatanda, definitely.

DOC ANNA: Did you feel na okay, you need to perform a little bit? Medyo kailangan maging feminine ng konti sa mga gatherings?

RIKKI: You know what? Actually, that’s one misconception din na palagi kong bini-bring up when I talk to, ‘yun 'pag may mga conversations like this, na may misconception that, let’s say, lesbians kailangan boyish, ‘di ba? Pero syempre ‘yung boyish kasi o pagiging masculine, it’s a way that we express ourselves. Pero madami namang gay or lesbians na girly, or fem kung tawagin. So 'yun lang, in our case lang, medyo mas halata kasi people assume kaagad na kapag boyish ka, 'Ay tomboy, tibo ‘yan.' Pero in reality, ‘yung pagiging gay or tibo or lesbian, it comes in different sizes, looks, everything. So, ako, growing up, did I have to be more feminine? Siguro yes, because ‘yun lang ‘yung parang, 'Ah okay,
we’re going to a party. What will I wear?' Syempre, the dress. Hindi ko naiisip na may other options.

DOC ANNA: Kasi isa sa madalas na sabihin sa akin na concerns ng mga parents, lalo na ‘yung mga parents na talagang hindi familiar with this and they’re a little scared and they’re worried, sabi nila, 'Paano kung ma-bully ‘yung anak ko? Paano kung may mananakit sa kanila? ‘Di ba dapat pilitin ko silang hindi maging LGBTQ, hindi maging gay, lesbian?'

RIKKI: Kasi ang hirap naman nu'n, ‘di ba? If you have to change or force yourself to change. Mas malaki pa ‘yung impact sa mental health ng tao kapag ganu'n.

DOC ANNA: And speaking of mental health, ‘yung mga kids and teens na unfortunately, you know na hindi lahat blessed with a support system. Even if it’s just one or two, it doesn’t have to be a lot. You just have to have that reliable set of people, friends or a teacher. Alam mo ang laking deal ‘pag may teacher na nakakatanggap. ‘Di ba, if there’s an authority figure that completely understands and supports. So you just need a couple of people, not even a lot, even just your best friend. Even if it’s just one person, even if it's just one person, it makes a big difference. Kasi ‘pag ang bata, hindi nga lang sa sexuality ‘di ba? In other areas, ‘pag ang bata feeling nila wala silang, walang nakakaintindi sa kanila at hindi the idea na kasi ‘pag feeling mo walang nagmamahal sa 'yo for who you are, iisipin mo hindi ako sapat, hindi ako enough. Then it becomes like, I need to change.

Yeah. And ‘pag mag-isa, doon talaga pumapasok, ‘di ba ‘yung sinasabi nilang, unfortunately, the statistics na mataas talaga ‘yung mental health concerns and issues nadi-depress and it’s because they’re alone. So, ito talaga gusto kong sabihin sa mga teachers, parents, who are in places of authority, ‘di ba? The one thing you wanna make sure is that they don’t feel alone. You may not always
understand the process kasi you haven’t gone through the process. Ito ‘yung ano sa parenting e, hindi ko pinagdaanan ito, so hindi ko alam kung anong stages, kung ano kailangan ng mga anak ko.

Parang kahit hindi ko pa naiintindihan, hindi ko pa alam kung ano nangyayari dito pero ang alam ko lang dapat hindi ka mag-isa sa journey na ito.

RIKKI: What my mom always says is even if meron siyang hindi mga naintindihan din... Syempre kasi if we’re going through something for the first time, what more our parents? Parang we’re going through it together. So we also have to be forgiving or understanding na iba-iba din ‘yung reaksyon kasi bago e, ‘di ba? It's something new. Pero sinasabi ng mom ko palagi is, umiiral palagi ‘yung love or ‘yung pagmamahal sa anak kahit na may mga hindi siya maintindihan. ‘Yung unang ano niya is 'yung pagmamahal niya talaga sa amin or sa akin.

DOC ANNA: Sabi mo nga kanina, the first reaction is not necessarily the last.

RIKKI: Yes, oo. Sometimes it takes a year.

DOC ANNA: Yeah, and I think especially for young people, ‘di ba hindi, minsan kung ano ‘yung unang reaksyon parang feeling natin ito na. Idi-disown na ako, hindi na kami magiging close ‘di ba, parang magiging iba na ‘yung tingin ni mommy sa akin. And I think that’s such good advice. Parang okay, tandaan na lang natin. Huwag natin masyado i-hold on to the first ever reaction.

And in fact, that’s what coming out is, it’s not a one and done deal. Parang okay, nagsabi na ako and that’s it. Parang there’s always, like with your dad, for example, there’s an actual 'I am gay, this is who I am.' And then there’s the introducing, the girlfriend, in-all in mo sa mommy mo.

RIKKI: Oo nga ‘no. Sorry, mom.

DOC ANNA: Talagang ina-accelerate mo ‘yung sa mommy mo. Pero ‘di ba there’s coming out is, you know, can be, not always, but it can be, tawag natin iterative process. Ibig sabihin minsan paulit-ulit, ‘di ba as a certain reminder of who I am.

So, para sa akin, especially with Filipino families and parents, where religion is so central, parang sabi ko hindi siya kontra. It doesn’t always contradict. But before going to that, parang ‘yung idea na, okay, we all have our pace. You gave yourself time. And sometimes, ‘yung mga tita, ‘Tibo ka ba?’, ‘di ba you insist on time for yourself? Like, 'No, I am not gonna come out now just because you asked me.' ‘Di ba parang, 'I’m gonna protect myself, give myself time, protected time to figure things out.'

So parents din, let’s give them time kasi sila nabulaga. Maybe not so much for your parents. In a way, there is an inkling, but pero iba pa rin talaga kapag sinabi na. Sabi mo nga iba ‘yung validation na confirmed. Ito talaga.

RIKKI: Iba talaga. Sila siguro, ‘yung positive lang is that they are in an industry that is more visible. May mga friends sila, mga ka-work nila, ‘yung mga from the staff, the LGBT community is more visible siguro sa kanila. And they tell stories kasi ‘di ba syempre as actors, they tell different stories. So, mas open na siguro ‘yung mind nila sa situation. Siguro that’s a plus. Thank you showbiz.

DOC ANNA: So, final message, Rikki. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing...

RIKKI: Of course, of course.

DOC ANNA: And sharing your story with us. And I'm sure meron mga iba diyan na nakikinig talaga kasi parang hindi na nila alam how to go about their own coming out. So as a final message, anong masasabi mo for those na hindi pa nila alam how to go about it, nalilito pa sila? It could be for the kids or the people who are going to come out or even the parents maybe na naka-receive sila ng confession sa kanilang children. They don’t know what to do.

RIKKI: For the ones who are not yet out, number one, just take your time. There’s no right time to do it. It’s at your own time. And like what you said a while ago, not everybody has to come out. That’s a different situation for everyone. So just take your time. If you’re not yet out or if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t force yourself. But find a community that you can talk about it to. Kasi the hardest thing is to feel alone. And ‘di ba we know that you’re not alone. You have a community that’s ready to accept and talk to you about it.

And I always say, like, kapitan mo ‘yung mga friends mo. Before you come out to your parents. I would
even suggest talk to your cousins, your titas, your titos. People that you feel like you can trust. Kasi even if you, you know you have to just prepare that baka minsan hindi pa okay ‘yung reaction. So, important talaga ‘yung number one, your support system. Even if hindi pa ‘yung parents mo.

And then for the parents naman, ang hirap e. For the parents siguro, I would just, I hope that if your
family or your children ever, you know, go to you with these sensitive details na maybe you can always root it in love. Parang maybe, kahit hindi niyo naiintindihan, before going to the extreme like, 'Lumayas ka' or things like that, maybe we can just root it in love. Take a pause, talk to other people, talk to a psychologist, go online, research. And in general, the first reaction is not always the last.

So yeah, it’s really a process, I must say. And good luck to the ones who are planning to come out pa lang.

DOC ANNA: Naku thank you so much Rikki! Naku, parang it’s very sensible and compassionate advice. Let’s listen. Let’s try to understand. Kasi kung ikaw nagulat, siguro ‘yung anak mo natatakot. So you have to also still be a parent in that situation. Thank you so much, Rikki, for spending this much time with us.

RIKKI: Thank you. Thank you po so much.