How to have a difficult conversation

Difficult conversations are inevitable in any relationship—no matter the type. While they’re so essential, they’re also very uncomfortable, so it’s no surprise they’re often avoided like the plague. Case in point: a coaching and training firm found that 70% of employees avoid difficult conversations, whether it’s with their bosses, peers, or their direct reports.

The deeper the connection, the harder these talks become, often due to the fear of damaging or losing the relationship. So, how exactly do we deal with these situations?

GMA News Online sought advice from several experts, including Celine Sugay-Costales, a licensed psychologist and certified positive psychology coach, and Celine Ann T. Ibay, a mental health occupational therapist, to equip us with the tools to navigate these difficult conversations.

How to navigate difficult conversations

Difficult conversations come in many forms, often involving taboo topics, subjects uncomfortable to discuss, or issues that might “offend” someone. These discussions typically occur between individuals with perceived power imbalances, where the person in the "lower" position is expected to be passive and agreeable toward the "higher" or more authoritative party, such as in relationships between bosses and employees or parents and children.

Other common examples of difficult conversations include:

• Giving and receiving negative feedback at work
• Asking a friend to repay the money they owe
• Telling a friend you caught their partner cheating
• Informing a parent that you can no longer provide financial support

Strategies to initiate difficult conversations

An effective conversation ultimately hinges on effective communication. Sugay-Costales suggests learning a more assertive communication style, which is one of the four communication styles.

“Filipinos tend to have a passive or passive-aggressive style of communication,” she said, explaining cultural factors like hiya, utang na loob, and pakikisama contribute to why Filipinos tend to embrace a more passive style of communication.

A person with a passive style will not say anything even if the situation calls for it. 

Meanwhile, people with a passive-aggressive style of communication often resort to indirect means, such as speaking loudly so that the other party would overhear them — think parinig — or say that nothing is wrong, with their body language saying otherwise. 

In contrast, a person with an assertive communication style knows how to communicate honestly and directly while respecting the needs, ideas, and thoughts of others. 

“They [assertive people] are more direct with how they communicate while staying calm, choosing the words they use so they respect the person they are speaking with, and being mindful of their tone when speaking,” she added.

If you need to break difficult news or address a sensitive issue—whether it’s providing feedback at work or tackling an unspoken family matter—here are some tips that might help:

1. Plan the conversation in advance. Talk to the person and set a time and place for the discussion. Make sure the area is safe and private enough to allow both parties to speak openly. “Set a specific time for the conversation. This way, you don’t ambush the person into a conversation they are not ready for,” explained Sugay-Costales.

2. Let them know what you are going to talk about. A vague “let’s talk” can send the receiver into a spiral of anxiety, wondering what the conversation will be about. Be kind enough to give them a heads-up, allowing them to come prepared. This helps avoid a defensive reaction and keeps them more open to what you have to say.

3. Prepare for the conversation. High emotions, comments from the other person, and memory gaps can quickly derail the discussion. “Having an outline of what you want to say and cover will help you to be more objective and keep you on track,” said Sugay-Costales.

Preparing also includes setting the tone for the conversation. Ibay shared her experience of having a difficult conversation with her parents as an adult: “We sat down at the dining table, and it helped when I stated that I was speaking to them as an adult, not as a child.”

4. Provide each other a “safe space.” In therapy, a safe space is a supportive, non-threatening space with no discrimination or judgment, allowing a person to be vulnerable, feel heard, and validated.

Knowing you’ll be heard without reservations allows a person to express themselves fully. This kind of openness can offer a person an opportunity to release strong—even pent up—emotions and ensures that no important points are missed or sugar-coated.

But a safe space doesn’t give free rein to be mean. It’s essential to stay calm and clear. “Asking them questions will also show that you are genuinely interested in their perspective,” added Sugay-Costales.

5. Give it time. Whatever outcome you hope for from the conversation, understand that it may take time. “Not everyone can absorb a difficult conversation all in one sitting,” said Ibay. Reflecting on her conversation with her parents, Ibay explained, “At first, my parents didn’t respond well to how I asserted myself and spoke to them. But over time, and with a little family counseling with a psychologist, they were able to accept the difficult things I spoke about on that table,” she explained.

How to respond constructively to difficult conversations

When you’re on the receiving end of a difficult conversation, it can be incredibly challenging, particularly when emotions run high.

“Keep in mind that the other person has your best intentions,” Sugay-Costales reminded. Difficult conversations are often hard for both sides, especially for the one initiating them.

“If you are the receiver, remind yourself that this person cares enough to start the conversation. Even if they don’t seem nice or their words sound hurtful at the moment, remember they are doing this because they care for you,” she added.

If you feel like you’re being attacked, ask for a break and take a moment to breathe. While it’s easier to retaliate, speaking in the heat of the moment rarely benefits anyone. 

It’s also helpful to step back and see things from the other party’s perspective. “We often feel defensive right away, which gets in the way of understanding where the other person is coming from,” said Sugay-Costales. She said that by focusing on what they’re saying rather than how it makes you feel in the moment, you can better grasp their experience of the situation and why they’re sharing their thoughts.

Finally, thank the person at the end of the conversation. This doesn’t negate the possibility that what they shared hurt you, but saying thank you acknowledges that it wasn’t easy for them to share it.

Whether you're on the receiving or initiating end, remembering that the goal is to understand the other person and maintain the relationship can help defuse tension. More importantly, most difficult conversations ultimately lead to stronger, more trusting relationships.

— LA, GMA Integrated News