You don't have to sacrifice your own life while caring for your aging parents. Here's how

In the Philippines, it’s rare to see a lolo or lola associated with nursing homes in ads, posters, or telenovelas.

Apart from costs running high — one nursing home's cost starts at P95,000 a month — there is an unspoken stigma in placing aging parents in nursing homes. It is often viewed as reneging on family responsibilities, bringing hiya not only to the children but also to the parents and their families. This can be misinterpreted as a lack of love, making older people feel unwanted and rejected. 

That's because filial care is such a big part of Filipino culture, where taking care of our elderly loved ones is often seen as utang na loob—a way of giving back. While this sense of gratitude appears in many relationships, it’s especially strong between parents and children.

Filipino culture

Dr. Anna Cristina Tuazon, associate professor at the Department of Psychology, UP Diliman, explained Filipinos are deeply family-oriented and place a high value on family ties. “We take personal responsibility for our aging parents and bring them into our own homes,” she said, contrasting this with Western countries, where aging parents are often placed in nursing homes or senior facilities.

In fact, according to a 2007 Philippine study on aging, 48% of older people expect their children to care for them when they get sick, and 60% have at least one child living in the same house. Meanwhile, those who don’t have children near their homes still benefit from financial or non-financial support from their children.

Expectations also tend to be higher for specific individuals, especially single people, women, firstborn children, and those whom the older adults cared for in their prime, including grandchildren.

For many adult children, stepping in as their aging parent’s caregiver is almost automatic — and it’s pretty rare, especially those thrust into the role suddenly, to have the luxury of stepping back to weigh one’s options.

It's exactly what John experienced, when his mother became the breadwinner after his father could no longer work. With her income insufficient for his father’s medical needs, John stepped in, taking responsibility for the family since he was the firstborn and the only one with a stable job as his two siblings were still in school.

“Halos lahat ng sweldo ko diretso agad sa needs sa bahay lalo sa mga gamot ni Papa” [All of my salary goes to the family’s needs, especially to my father’s medications], John said. 

The reality is that caregiving can drastically change a person’s life. Even when done out of love, caregivers often feel stuck, especially as responsibilities grow and missed opportunities or social events pile up, forcing them to put their own lives on hold and make significant sacrifices for their parents.

Ask for help and share the load

But Dr. Anna emphasized the close family ties common among Filipinos, making the duty of caregiving a shared exercise among the extended family. 

“Our idea of family is also not just our primary family but includes our extended family, so multi-family or multi-generational homes are common, which makes caring for them easier,” said Dr. Anna.

Dr. Anna suggests asking for help. “While taking in a parent seems like our obligation, sometimes asking for outside or professional help to care for our parents may be the best option. “We should remove shame and guilt in adult children asking for outside help in caring for their parents,” Dr. Anna stated.

Consider also sharing the load with your siblings or extended family. Reach out for help, whether it's to share responsibilities or resources. Consider rotating the caregiving duties or assigning specific tasks to ensure everyone contributes in some way. 

Charmaine, who became the primary caregiver in charge of her grandparents’ care because of her nursing background, is a firm believer of this. She manages their medications, keeps track of their schedules, and accompanies them to medical check-ups but shares the care duties with her siblings and her parents.

Research highlights that sharing the burden through social support—whether its assistance or resources from your family—helps reduce stress, physical exhaustion, and isolation among caregivers.

Caregivers Needing Care

Caring for aging parents not only brings financial burdens and the need to deal with their occasional stubbornness and irritability. The more significant issue is that adult children have their own lives to manage. 

Caring for their parents often means sacrificing time, resources, and personal joys. This struggle is especially true for the growing number of Filipinos in their 20s to early 50s, who fall into the “sandwich generation.”

“Adult children have hard decisions to make in terms of how to best care for their parents while taking care of themselves and their own family. Ideally, one should not be forced to choose one over the other.” Dr. Anna explained.

Because the focus is mostly on the older adult who relies on the care of the stronger and younger family members, it’s not uncommon for the needs of these caregivers to be overlooked. These caregivers often sacrifice their own lives to care for their loved ones.

Charmaine admits that “while it’s fulfilling to help and care, most of the time I/we feel unappreciated kasi we do everything for our grandparents every day, so for them expected na sya.” 

She added that caring for older people requires patience, understanding, and emotional bravery since they can be hurtful with their words and tend to be nitpicky.

Being a caregiver also means constantly being physically present, which leads to missing out on personal experiences.

Set boundaries

Despite sharing the caregiving duties with her siblings and her parents, she says "time talaga yung na-sa-sacrifice. Nawawala yung time with your own family, so bihira kami lumabas ng complete kasi one needs to stay sa house as taga-bantay sa grandparents" [It’s really time that gets sacrificed. We lose time with our own family, so it’s rare that we go out together because one of us always has to stay home to watch over our grandparents].

According to the University of Kentucky human resources, establishing clear boundaries with your time and energy is essential for your own well-being. By balancing caregiving with your personal life, you’ll be better able to manage both responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed.

Prioritize self-care

Those responsible for providing care frequently put their own needs aside. For instance, John was in the middle of planning his wedding while taking care of his ailing father. The more significant impact, however, was the lasting trauma caused by the high-stress emergencies.  

After several strokes, which led to numerous midnight emergencies and struggles to find an ambulance, John developed trauma from accompanying his father through those difficult times.

“Until now actually may anxiety pa din sa 'kin kahit matagal nang wala si Papa dahil sa stress at trauma na din siguro nung time na yun” [Even now, I still have anxiety, even though my father is no longer with us, likely due to the stress and trauma from that time], he shared.

Hearing an ambulance siren still triggers his anxiety. He admits that he hasn’t yet fully overcome the pain and fear of caring for his father.

Caregivers like John and Charmaine are advised to practice self-care Studies show that neglecting your needs can actually increase caregiver strain. 

Practicing self-care—like managing time, exercising, and pursuing hobbies—is crucial. A healthy caregiver is a more effective caregiver.

Plan ahead and involve your parents.

Caring for your parents is a long-term commitment, and it’s natural to feel some resentment, especially when personal plans are put on hold.

Prepare for the future by doing financial planning, discussing medical care, and creating a support network that includes family or a broader circle of friends, coworkers, and neighbors. This reduces anxiety and fosters control over the caregiving journey.

And if you're lucky that your aging parents are still independent, consider involving them in your life. 

In a 2019 article, life coach Myke Celis of #bestmeever suggested to “share your dreams" with your parents. "Involve them still in your life, so that in the long run, they will be prepared and not get caught off guard.”

While caregiving is undoubtedly challenging, there are strategies you can use to make the process easier, reduce feelings of resentment, and even find joy in caring for your aging loved one. Allow us to summarize the vetted tips to caring for yourself, while you care for your aging loved ones below:

1. Ask for help: “While taking in a parent seems like our obligation, sometimes asking for outside or professional help to care for our parents may be the best option. “We should remove shame and guilt in adult children asking for outside help in caring for their parents,” Dr. Anna stated.

2. Set boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries with your time and energy is essential for your own well-being. By balancing caregiving with your personal life, you’ll be better able to manage both responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed.

4. Prioritize self-care: It’s easy to overlook your own needs, but taking time to rest, exercise, and pursue hobbies is vital. A healthy caregiver is a more effective caregiver.

5. Share the load: If you have siblings or extended family, share responsibilities to avoid burnout. Rotate caregiving duties or assign specific tasks to ensure everyone contributes in some way.

6. Involve your parents: By sharing your life plans with your parents, you also allow them to better manage their expectations from you and give them a chance to prepare themselves when you go ahead with your life. 

7. Plan ahead: Preparing for the future—whether it’s financial planning, discussing medical care, or creating a support network—can reduce anxiety and help you feel more in control of the caregiving journey.

— LA, GMA Integrated News