Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Experts answer

Friendships are crucial for a fulfilling life—adult friendships, in particular, are tied to well-being. They also serve as a protective factor against depression and even chronic diseases like heart disease.

Sometimes, however, friendships may take a backseat in adulthood when life gets busy. The term “adulting” captures this reality, referring to the responsibilities of adult life, like paying bills and running errands. The Oxford English Dictionary defines adulting as "the action or process of becoming, being, or behaving as an adult; especially the carrying out of the mundane or everyday tasks that are a necessary part of adult life."

So, it’s understandable to feel dissatisfied with your current friendships. If you do, you’re not alone. In the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey, for example, only 51% of Americans reported being very satisfied with the number of friends they have. The solution might seem simple: just make more friends. But this is easier said than done.

The reality is that making friends as adults can be hard. But why? In an interview with GMA News Online, we asked experts Celine Sugay-Costales, licensed psychologist and certified positive psychology coach, and Val Baguios III, organizational leadership coach/consultant, to help us answer this question.

Baguios answered the question with a straightforward answer: Time.

“Think back to your younger years—who were your friends? Most likely, they were people from school or your neighborhood. Why? Because that’s where we spent the majority of our time. As children, our lives revolved around school and home," he said.

"But as we grow older, our priorities shift. We become absorbed in work, responsibilities, and the demands of adulthood. This is why, for many, friends are often found in the workplace rather than the neighborhood, especially if we no longer live in the same place we grew up."

On the other hand, Sugay-Costales shared, “Between work, family, bills, and current friends, this can be a lot in our lives, and we might simply feel we don’t have time for new people or to build new relationships,”.

Our past experiences shape how we view friendships and influence our willingness to build new ones. She noted that being “burned” before can make people more cautious about who they open up to and let into their lives.

“At some point in our lives, we might have tried making friends, but the person didn’t reciprocate,” she said. This could also stem from friendships that ended due to arguments, disagreements, or simply drifting apart over time.

Even the information we encounter—like news and social media stories about scams and crimes using friendships to gain trust—can significantly impact our perceptions and approach to forming new connections.

If you find it hard to make friends, paying attention to your self-talk can offer some insight.

Sugay-Costales added that many people focus on all the ways a new friendship could go wrong. Thoughts like “What if I say the wrong thing?” or “What if they don’t like me?”—or even “What if I don’t like them after all?”— can stop people from building new connections.

How certain Filipino traits affect friendships

Filipino cultural traits like hiya and pakikisama can greatly influence how we form friendships—sometimes helping us connect, but sometimes to our detriment.

While these traits can make someone more agreeable and likable, they can also lead to becoming a “yes man,” a person who agrees with others without expressing their own thoughts or opinions.

“Hiya might keep us from speaking up and sharing our thoughts, possibly because we fear being wrong or misunderstood. Pakikisama encourages us to go with the flow and make those around us happy,” Sugay-Costales explained.

However, being overly agreeable can have its downsides. She said that constantly trying to please others can lead to unmet needs in the friendship, which might result in resentment and eventually lead to letting go of the friendship.

On the other hand, hiya can also manifest as brief or non-committal answers, which might give the impression that someone is disinterested, she added.

Some hard truths about friendships

Great friendships don’t happen overnight. They require time, effort, and a deep understanding of each other. Without this understanding, you might expect too much, give too little, or hold unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment.

1. Friendship requires time and effort

According to Baguios, the beauty of adulthood lies in the freedom to choose our friends—not limited by proximity but guided by connection and shared values.

This freedom comes with a trade-off: effort.

“Many adults forget that true friendship requires intentionality. It doesn’t happen by default. It takes effort to share experiences, open up, and truly connect with others. This means letting our guard down and being vulnerable—something that can be difficult due to past hurts or disappointments,” said Baguios. 

This is true for all relationships, but friendships often require more effort because they’re less formally defined, with looser rules and expectations than romantic and familial bonds. And unlike your partner, spouse, or family—whom you see regularly and are expected to invest time in—friendships need intentional care since they’re not bound by blood, oath, or covenant.

Since friendships aren’t viewed as real “responsibilities,” they can feel more burdensome and are easier to neglect than other relationships.

“Seeing friends demands even more time on our end—and if you live in Manila, battling traffic requires even more time and effort,” said Sugay-Costales.

Because of this burden, we often play the “busy card” with our friends. “I think it’s an excuse we all use to avoid making the time and effort for the people in our lives,” she explained.

She also said that in the workshops she holds about relationships, she tells her participants that saying "I’m busy" communicates to the other person that they’re not worth their time.

“Even if we think the other person will understand, if you really value the person, take five minutes, even just once a month, to call and check on them,” she advised.

2. Everyone is different

Your background, upbringing, personality, and experiences make you a unique individual, different from anyone else. This means there will be times when you and your friend won’t see eye to eye.

“We may not always agree with the person, and we don’t have to always agree with them. We can allow our friends to be themselves, and they can allow us to be ourselves,” said Sugay-Costales.

While it takes two to tango, she noted that some people are naturally gifted at bringing others together and making plans happen. However, these individuals can become tired and discouraged, feeling like everyone else just waits for them to take the initiative, and when they don’t, nothing happens.

To those individuals, she advised, “Remind yourself why you value your friends and enjoy spending time with them. It will make the effort worthwhile.”

She also reminded those who tend to follow along and wait for an invite to thank the planners with something as simple as a “thank you.”

“It tells them that you liked the gesture and encourages them to continue doing so,” she said.

Why do friendships fade or end?

We can do our best, but things still don’t end the way we want to. One 2016 study suggests that people make many friends until around 25, after which the number rapidly declines. So, if you’re over 25, you’ve likely experienced a falling out with at least one friend.

There are many reasons for this. Different choices in life lead adults down different paths—careers, life stages, and locations—that can inadvertently create distance, both physically and emotionally.

Family responsibilities are a typical example. Parents know how drastically life changes when you have kids.

“I’ve heard many parents say it’s challenging to hang out with friends who don’t have kids. These parents often share that when they are with others who also have kids, their friends completely understand if they arrive late, leave early, or get interrupted to attend to their child,” said Sugay-Costales.

On the other hand, friends without kids may try to understand but often don’t fully grasp the demands of parenthood.

Friendships can also fade when you realize that your friends don’t value you as much as you do or not as much as they did in the past.

Misunderstandings, or even just not paying attention during your last conversation, can signal to your friend how little they mean to you.

Noticing these things can cause someone to distance themselves or even avoid interactions, per Sugay-Costales.

“This can even happen unconsciously, without us intentionally doing so."

How to cope with the loss of a friendship

The worst part about losing friends? These breakups can be more painful than romantic ones. While other relationships come with a range of coping strategies, the same isn’t true for friendships.

Our experts offer some tips that could help us cope with the loss.

• Treasure what you shared. “Focus on the good that the friendship brought into your life and treasure that,” Sugar-Costales advised. “I’ve always liked the line ‘People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Knowing that the person came into your life for a reason and seeing how they made you a better person helps you cherish the friendship even if it’s no longer there.
• Accept the reality of seasonal friendships. Friends you’ve made in school, at a particular job, or places you’ve lived might only be in your life for a season. Once that season ends, the friendship may fade. Situations like spending hours together in class or living in the same area help sustain friendships, but when those factors disappear, maintaining the connection takes more effort. This doesn’t mean the friendship is over—it just requires time and effort from both sides. If both parties are willing to invest, seasonal friends can become lifelong friends.

Regardless of your experience with friendship loss, it’s never too late to try again.

As a coach, Baguios has seen firsthand how healthy friendships enhance well-being and engagement.

“Building genuine friendships, even as an adult, can greatly enrich both our personal and professional lives,” he said.

Genuine connection may take effort, but the rewards are well worth it. Isn’t that why friendship breakups hurt in the first place?

Real friendships are rare and require effort—no matter how well you click from the start. But having them is like gaining more than family—they’re not obligated to be part of your life, yet they choose to be.

— CDC, GMA Integrated News