How couples can healthily form a blended family, according to relationship experts

Not all love stories are simple. There are some couples that deal with more complex situations before they get to a point where love, true love finally smiles their way and getting married becomes the only course of action.

By then, they will have experienced failed marriages, single parenting, or having gone through losing a spouse. 

Aside from building a new relationship, the person who plans to remarry will also be forming a so-called "blended family," a phase that's all the rage these days thanks to the likes of US Vice President Kamali Harris and her marriage to Doug Emhoff, and closer to home, to celebrities like Camille Prats and Vicki Belo, Hayden Kho and their large modern family. 

In an interview with GMA News Online, licensed clinical psychologist, and Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at UP Diliman Anna Tuazon and The Love Institute relationship coach Aiza Tabayoyong explained the complexities of a blended family and how to healthily form one.

What is a blended family?

A blended family is when there are "pre-existing units of family and then coming together," Dr. Anna said.

"So puwedeng from a previous marriage and then joining in," she added. "If you think about this, anytime two people get married that’s a blending of their families pero siyempre in actuality, blended families we talk about families of our own and sort of integrating that with someone else’s family.

Dr. Anna said a healthy and ideal blended family is when you "add to it. We don't take away or replace, 'yon 'yung number one. We don't try to replace the pre-existing family with a new one."

"We simply add and integrate so that hopefully it becomes a family that has more love, more support, rather than taking away," she added.

On the right time

For separated people, widows and the like, Coach Aiza said there is no definite "right time" on when to enter a new relationship again. But, she says, there is a "right state."

"Right time, in terms of healing period and resting period of the heart, there’s no prescribed time. It’s really based on the person’s ability to heal, to move on. Usually there’s a right state," Coach Aiza said.

Whether you lose your partner through death or separation, Coach Aiza said there's grieving involved "kasi [in both cases], there were dreams that were created that are not going to continue anymore."

"So there’s a process of grieving that has to happen, which includes the feelings — just going through letting go, saying goodbye, gratitude, what did you get? What were the blessings in that relationships and what were the lessons in that relationship as the most important you can take from it," she added.

Coach Aiza said once you've gotten through that, "you make sure that you don’t enter a new relationship looking to patch a broken heart."

"You don’t go looking for someone to bring roses in the rain so to speak because you have to be more or less healed and complete, otherwise you’re entering that relationship with a wrong kind of motivation and you wouldn’t want that," she added.

Dr. Anna had similar advice, saying a person should first take time to grieve.

"Grieving is more common. When we lose something, whether it’s a person or a relationship, you should honor your feelings and take the time to grieve. That’s different for people — for some, three months ok na," she said.

"For some people, that’s three years and for some people, 'you know what, I’m fully committed to this person and even if this person is gone, I’m happy to live my life like this and that’s totally OK.' I know many people who remain feeling married and committed," she added.

"As long as there is no suffering, right? Kasi if you fully embrace that status then you shouldn’t really suffer."

Meanwhile, Dr. Anna said if the previous relationship was "objectively traumatic — maybe there was betrayal right, there was a broken trust there — you have to repair that first."

"You don’t have to repair it with a partner that you had but you have to process that because you cannot bring that to the new relationship, because that’s gonna doom your next relationship," she said.

Dr. Anna said doing so will result in you having a lot of insecurities in the relationship.

"You’re gonna be jealous, you’re gonna be extra paranoid. You won’t trust that person even if that person actually hasn’t done anything to deserve that kind of treatment," she said.

If you have been wounded from a past relationship, Dr. Anne it's best to sort it out first.

"You can sort it out with therapy or you can also sort it out through your natural support system, through your natural reflections, introspection. So definitely, that has to be resolved first," she added.

In her own practice, Dr. Anna said she has a rule of putting some of per patients into a "dating detox."

"You can’t date because you’re still healing from it. You can project so many of your past issues to whomever you meet and what if you meet someone really good? I don’t want to waste that opportunity," she said.

"So don’t date first, fix yourself make sure you’re happy just by being yourself and then you’ll attract the healthy relationship in the future," she added.

On finding the right partner

Dr. Anna suggests before even having a partner or introducing one into the family, you can have conversations with your children to ask their opinion on what they think about adding someone new into your family.

"So bago pa may partner, or before pa may partner, you ask them first. You engage them in a conversation about what it would be like to add someone new into their family and to really explore all of their concerns," Dr. Anna said.

Dr. Anna said it's inevitable that children might fear that you are replacing the original parent.

"'What does that mean? Do I have to call her mom and dad?' ‘yung mga ganon and it’s so much better to talk about this before a person officially exists."

Dr. Anna said "for parents who want to blend families, it’s very important that you assure the kids that you are not replacing."

She noted how this would often be a child's "number one fear."

"You have to understand that you cannot just pretend that the original spouse doesn’t exist. Someone’s mom is going to be their mom, someone's dad is going to be their dad, so that has to be respected first and foremost," she said.

Dr. Anna said the number one rule is to never "introduce your new partner as here 'she’s your new mom'." 

According to Dr. Anna, doing this can be "very invalidating."

"It will really confuse the child and sometimes upset them, so definitely one introduce the concept first: ‘How about...?’ ‘What do you think?’ ‘I think it’s just been us for a long time and you know what I think we have enough love to give to add to our family,' 'what do you think about that adding to our family,'" she said.

And should your child say no or rejects the idea of having someone new into your lives, Dr. Anna said that's not really the end of it.

"You talk to them about the pros and cons, what would be the added benefit of adding someone new, what would be the benefit of adding new siblings or a new caregiver, a new adult that they can rely on"

Coach Aiza and Dr. Anna stressed the importance of being mindful, when it comes to choosing a partner whether it's for the second time or it's your first.

"Whether you’re choosing your partner for the first time or it’s your second chance on love, we should always be mindful. When it is blended, there is more factors involved and especially the children are there," Coach Aiza said.

Additionally, Coach Aiza noted how you are "not only looking for a future husband or future wife, you’re also looking for a future mother or father to your kids."

"You’re looking for someone who can be a good guardian...Someone who can accept and can live with your children not just you," she added.

Coach Aiza said for those who are single without children, they find someone "who can live with our quirks who can live with our idiosyncrasies, our personality, our weaknesses."

Meanwhile, if you are a person with children who plans to remarry, you also have to consider finding someone who doesn't just fit your standards but also "your children’s personality, with their strengths and their weaknesses. That’s the extra factor there that they have to put in when choosing the next partner."

Dr. Anna said finding a partner is like eating, one has to be mindful with what they put in.

"It’s like eating. Are you gonna keep eating junk food, buying food and putting it into your pantry and you know where that’s gonna lead," she said.

She said one really has to make sure that the person they are adding into their children's life are "high quality things."

"Someone with the traits that complement your family. Traits that your children can really benefit from. The kind of role model they can benefit from, the kind of confidant or support system that they can have," she said. "So that kind of mindfulness and consideration I think is definitely important."

How can you healthily introduce a new partner into the family or to your children

Dr. Anna said deciding to blend a family especially in the Filipino culture can't be an "individual decision" or a "solely couple decision."

"So there are children, there are parents, former in-laws. And depends pa nga ‘yan if your first partner, first spouse passed away for some people that’s not even called former, right?"

"That has to be respected so in other words dapat napaka-deliberate and considerate ang pag-navigate ng all of these ng lahat ng mga relationships na ‘yan. So it’s definitely not an easy or mindless undertaking," she added

Dr. Anna said given all these factors, the solution is preparation and making sure you don’t neglect them [ your own children] while trying to win over your partner’s kids is very very important."

According to Dr. Anna, quality time spent with your own kids is important.

"Make sure hindi mawawala yun. That you still have your own. In other words, the original family still gets together exclusively without the new mom or new dad," she said.

"And then there should also be quality time spent with the other kids so parang swap. Today, Tita is the one to hang out with you and we’re gonna bond and I’m gonna hang out with her kids and we’re gonna bond and then of course you must have quality time altogether," she added.

Dr. Anna said it's important to have individual dates per family "to minimize the sense of rivalry, sense of competition or the sense of being replaced and the sense of being neglected."

Meanwhile, Coach Aiza said when you go on a date with your future blended family "you have to check the dynamics not just you and your partner but you and your partner and the children as well."

She said it's also important to "take time and don’t hurry up. It’s a slow process, enjoy the dating."

"Do not hurry into getting into a new relationship especially when the wounds of the previous one are fresh. Give yourself time to heal and your children to heal as well," she added.

Will being in a blended family affect the future relationships of the children involved?

Dr. Anna said people and children who are involved in blended families are not "worse off."

"Assuming there is no abuse, there is no neglect, there is no deficit communication which will happen whether it’s blended or not. Assuming everything is OK, being in a blended family has not changed the health outcomes ba," she said.

Dr. Anna said "Children are going to be OK."

She said there are people or children who grew up in blended families who thrive.

"Many people thrive sometimes... If they are able to use blended families as an added layer of support for them, right?" she said.

"Also added layer of resources economically right mas less economic suffering so to speak if we would blend a family," she added.

Dr. Aiza, meanwhile, said forming a new blended family "as long as it’s a good role model with respect, with love, with good communication, with the right kind of affection then it’s setting them to have a picture of what a good relationship should look like."

However, Dr. Aiza said if the previous relationship has been traumatic for whatever reason, " If the parent if the previous parent died then again they have to go through grieving, they have to see the whole process of the pain and what are you grateful for and everything before they can accept a new parent."

Dr. Aiza said if there is trauma from the parents'. "divorce, separation, or annulment t"

"Then trauma of that has to be checked on children, 'what is your perception of relationship because that’s the one that can affect their future relationships and mindset on having their own families someday," she said.

"So you check what they got from the previous one and make sure that you set good role modelling and with the new one that you will form that’s for the parent of the child if you’re looking at that," she added. — LA, GMA News