When friendships break, or how I learned to be a better friend in my 30s

There’s no use denying it: Everybody loves a romantic breakup story. There are alarming things happening around the world but really: Nothing brings a group together like hearing: “Guess who broke up.”

Breakup stories unite people and transform acquaintances into allies. Suddenly, there is a torrential downpour of questions starting with “Whose fault was it?” and the resounding “May third party yan!” It doesn’t matter if the story concerns complete strangers because breakup stories? They are mostly shocking, sometimes funny but always educational and we are here for it.

Friendship breakup stories, however, have a different effect on people. If a person shares that A and B are no longer friends, listeners gather round and, in hushed voices, ask what went wrong.

There is a lot of sighing and tut-tutting because it is quite the solemn affair. I witnessed a friendship breakup once and it was excruciating to watch. I never really imagined I would experience it myself but nobody is exempted from any kind of heartbreak.  

I only really learned how to be a good friend in my 30s.

Image: Jannielyn Ann Bigtas/GMA News

I have always been socially awkward, never part of an honest-to-goodness barkada, with matching shirts, hairstyles, and studio shots.

I was on good terms with most of the kids in grade school and high school and would horse around with the rest of them. I developed close friendships with my seatmates to the point of getting sent out for talking too much in class, but let's put it this way: I was not on the class list in my yearbook because I didn’t come to school when they took the senior class pictures. Nobody noticed. It was fine.

College was infinitely better: I was majoring in Literature, exploring wide spaces and meeting interesting people. I gravitated towards friends I didn’t feel awkward around, which was quite the revelation.

Despite missing out on parties and school events, I still had a blast. I was a much better friend in college because apart from learning to drive (and park backwards), it was when I learned how to both communicate and listen. I broke out of my shell and how could I not? We were at an age of broken hearts, self-discovery and such! great! music! All we had to do was take everything in.

And then I went to law school and things changed. It was a small, tough bubble that I got sucked into. Everybody was competitive and I had to fight to survive and prove myself.

I developed a temper and disappeared into academics, law school friends and a relationship. Like all the other students, I lived and breathed law school and obsessed over the good and bad parts. It took a giant toll on my “outside friends.”

I missed weddings, birthday parties and baptisms. I missed so many milestones that at one point, my friend Camille didn’t even consider me to be her baby’s godmother. She didn’t think we were friends anymore.

I didn’t realize it at the time and expected my outside friends to understand but the truth was, I was an absentee friend. I was hardly a friend. I let the pressure of law school consume me and outside of grades, I prioritized my then-boyfriend over everyone else.

Every time I would talk to my friends I would talk mostly about myself, forgetting that: a) not everything I said was interesting and b) they had their own issues and needed listening to as well.

My frustrations with my relationship made me bitter and self-centered. It would have been easier if I listened to reason or even just stepped out of the law school bubble more but I stayed put and argued with whoever disagreed with me.

As a result, some of my friends gave up on me. It was not the usual “drifting apart” or “outgrowing each other.” This time, there was a specific cause. This time, I felt the loss. School was over by then and we were all meandering the next steps of adulthood.

READ: Let's hear it for the single, childless ladies: We get tired, too 

I stopped being invited to things, only realizing it when I would see pictures on Facebook. The person I used to have daily conversations with just stopped being interested in what I had to say. I was defensive at the beginning but the repercussions started slapping me in the face.

The relationship I painstakingly protected? It was not a two-way street. The friendships I thought were unconditional? Also not a two-way street. I was, in the romantic and platonic sense, dumped. Unceremoniously.

Do you know how that feels? Being dumped by your friends will make you feel utterly hopeless. Friends don’t give up on each other. Friends forgive each other’s mistakes or meltdowns, for the most part, anyway. In this case, I was the exception.

There was no real confrontation but I definitely felt cut off. Knowing what I know now, however, it was really not my place to expect people to stop for me because life doesn’t stop for anyone. In law school, I didn't for them.

After wallowing in and digging myself out of that deep and murky rut, I eventually reconnected with my other friends. There were those just waiting for me to reach out. They made me feel like myself again. They helped me like myself again. I forged deeper bonds with the people who truly caught me at my worst, guided me towards the light and loved me all the same.

I learned the importance of showing up and the pleasure of having these same friends show up for me (I would like to take this moment to thank Waze and ride-sharing services for being a tremendous part of my journey towards being a better friend).

I also learned how to fight properly and by properly, I mean really and truly hearing each other out. It took a while but I am happy to report that I have successfully wrangled my way into being godmother to Camille’s second baby.

I make an effort to reach out and see my friends and to be there when they needed someone. I am very protective and do my best to always be a good listener. All these positive changes have attracted more good energy which then manifested into my being a better daughter, sister, co-worker and girlfriend. 

I know things could have been handled better. One of us could have reached out and apologized, or one of us could have reached out, period. I believe that real friendships sometimes go beyond the ceremony of apologies and just pick up from where it left off. I suppose these friendship breakups couldn’t be helped, though. Perhaps we were friends for when we needed to be and then life was just meant to take over.

These days, I have learned not to take it personally when I don’t get along with someone. They’re allowed to not like me just like I am allowed to not force myself to get along with everybody.

Friendships end, just like romantic relationships do and what I try to remember is that not everything in life is meant to be repaired. I read somewhere that some people are just meant to be part of the journey and not the destination but I sure am glad that some people are sticking around for the ride.

Sometimes it’s tempting to look back and want to keep your platonic exes in your life but when you reach a certain age and with so many things to look forward to, it is probably enough that you wish each other well in spirit. Maybe you’ll reconnect. Maybe you won’t. You’ll be great, either way. — LA, GMA News