Miscarriages and the ‘rainbow baby’: Healing after a heartbreaking loss

A "rainbow baby" is a recently coined, non-medical term that refers to a child conceived after a miscarriage.

Much like the thinking that "there's a rainbow after the rain", a rainbow baby is welcomed after a storm of fear and sadness caused by the loss of the previous child, and the feeling that the loss might happen again.

Love lost

While there is no time frame between the miscarriage and the conception for a child to be called a rainbow baby, the journey from healing from a miscarriage, to the joy of being with child again isn’t a smooth one.

Annie (real name withheld), 34, was 32 weeks pregnant when she started to feel “weird”.

“We were with family for a Christmas Day dinner. After eating I felt weird, so I rushed to the bathroom to pee. Afterwards, I couldn’t stand or move—my body was aching. I had my partner rush me to the hospital, and when we got there, I kept on vomiting. The doctor said I had UTI, was prescribed with meds, and was allowed to go home. But when I started to feel weird again, we headed straight to the ER," she said. 

The nurse and doctor did their routine checks, and they found out that Annie’s baby no longer had a heartbeat—the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck.

“They explained that it was not my fault, and things like that really happen. I didn’t handle the loss well. I blamed myself for what happened—not slowing down, not taking good care of the baby. I kept on watching my baby’s 4D photos and videos every day.”

Bibay de Larrazabal, 40, suffered a similar heartbreaking loss after confirming her pregnancy with two home pregnancy kits, which showed a faint second line. During a visit to her OB-GYN, she noticed some spotting. 

"The OB-GYN made us take another pregnancy test at his clinic and the same faint second line was there. He said that even if it was not that clearly seen, it was safe to say that I was pregnant. The bleeding was getting more profuse every hour and there was a long line at the ultrasound department. By the time it was my turn, I’ve already let out so much blood.”

The blood that was coming out of Bibay was the embryo—a complete miscarriage occurred while she was waiting in line. “At first, I was not emotional when we were being told this. It wasn’t until I took a shower that night when it started to sink in and I started crying. I cried myself to sleep in the next few nights.”

Miscarriage happens more often than we think, but people are hesitate to talk about. 

According to Dr. Angela Aguilar of the Philippine Society for Reproductive Medicine (PSRM), women who suffer a miscarriage must consult a physician for proper management and evaluation. Dr. Aguilar is currently affiliated with Philippine General Hospital, St. Luke’s Medical Center Global City, Cardinal Santos Medical Center and Medical City and has an OB-GYN for 20 years.

“This will allow us to deal with the misconceptions surrounding miscarriage, the impact of self blame, or worse, victim blaming, which is common in our culture," she said.

Dr. Mae Syki-Young, an OB-GYN for 17 years and an Active Consultant at the Makati Medical Center and St. Luke’s Medical Center Global City, added, “I think they keep it to themselves because they think it’s partly their fault, and our society is quite conservative."

"Although I can see it is slowly improving. There are support groups for women who had a miscarriage. But, there should be no shame in talking about miscarriage, because by doing so, we get more informed and we can help women suffering from emotional and psychological anguish,” she continued.

Rainbow after the rain

Everyone grieves differently, and there is no one way to heal as well. For Annie, she admitted that she didn’t handle the loss well. “I pretended that things were back to normal. But I blamed myself.”

For Bibay, a few days to relax and reflect were what she needed. “I let things be and felt a calm and stillness take over me. I am very fortunate to have a strong support system. My husband would ask me how I felt and what I needed; he was there when I needed someone to be with and let me alone if I need be. He is my forever champion,” she said. 

The PSRM stresses that even before trying to conceive; the proper evaluation of a physician must be done. After such evaluation, the PSRM stated, “The correction of risk factors, including medical conditions, lifestyle risks, must be done after a miscarriage.”

When mothers find out that they’re with child again, they take it upon themselves to buckle down and do more than what is expected of them.

For Annie, when she found out that she was pregnant four months after her miscarriage, she was very careful. “I ate healthy, stayed home most of the time, slowed down with work. I never missed a doctor’s appointment. I was super paranoid, extra cautious.”

Bibay, while she was with child after a month or so of her miscarriage, had a difficult pregnancy full of complications.

“It was then discovered that I had an enlarged left thyroid. I had progesterone injections almost every week to address contractions and bleeding, an endocrinologist to monitor my thyroid and sugar, a cardiologist to monitor my gestational hypertension, a number of doctor-prescribed pills and supplements, plus a special kind of ultrasound machine was used to monitor my baby’s growth,” Bibay said.

From a doctor’s point of view, a miscarriage is part of a pregnant woman’s medical history, and one that must be taken into consideration when they get pregnant again.

"How we take care of each patient is individualized—every pregnancy is precious. Basically extra precaution would depend on why she had a miscarriage before, how many times she had a miscarriage, and how advanced the pregnancy was when she miscarried. Existing medical problems are also a factor. From there we can give our advice, do additional tests, or prescribe medications for the pregnancy," Dr. Syki-Young said. 

Both Annie and Bibay successfully gave birth to their rainbow babies.

Bibay’s child, Katha, was born prematurely and stayed in the NICU for a little less than two weeks. She found out about the term rainbow baby when her sister told her about it and how Katha was one. 

Annie, who found out about the concept through an article, says that her rainbow baby shares the same initials as the child that she lost.

“She doesn’t know the whole concept of a rainbow baby, but she knows that she has a kuya in heaven.”

What the doctors say

The PSRM states that there is no medical basis for the term "rainbow baby" and that they have not encountered the term before. “We would like to de-emphasize the term ‘rainbow babies’ because it has no medical basis, but miscarriage is real and women should consult a physician for proper management and evaluation.”

Dr. Syki-Young has also never heard of the term until it was brought up for the purpose of this article, but she said that throughout her career, 5% to 20% of her patients have suffered miscarriages. She added that the chances of conceiving after a miscarriage is higher afterwards.

"But it is not advised to get pregnant too soon after a miscarriage," she warned. "First we want the patient to recover physically. Second she should be emotionally, psychologically, and mentally ready to get pregnant again. So it differs per patient."

Looking out for the rainbow

For women who are wishing to have their own rainbow baby, there is always hope.

"After the loss, take your time. Keep your family close and communicate with them what you need. Sometimes you’ll need your alone time. Find a doctor that is compatible with you and your partner," Bibay said. "A rainbow baby may or may not come, and you’ll need a trusted professional to manage expectations. If you do get pregnant and get anxious, pause. You’ll find yourself in awe of your growing rainbow baby and everything that comes with it."

Annie has come a long way, and to moms carrying their rainbow babies, she shares, "Enjoy the pregnancy. God is writing your story, and this one has a different story. He is creating the perfect baby for you. He knows the perfect timing." — AT, GMA News