No ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’: What they don’t tell you about BDSM

“I like to get things right the first time” are words you’d want to hear from your doctor before undergoing a surgical procedure—or, if you were physically bound in a compromising, near-paralyzing position, from the person holding the rope.

And if the person holding the rope is someone like Manila-based rope bondage dominatrix Joyen Santos, then you likely have nothing to worry about.

If anything, Santos' exacting manner speaks volumes about her commitment to her craft, the very specialized art of Shibari. The art takes its name from the Nihongo word meaning “to tie” or “to bind,” which has since become a widely accepted term for artistic Japanese rope bondage.

A discipline, a practice and an art

Over coffee in a safe, neutral environment, Santos explained how BDSM—the umbrella term for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism—is a respectable practice that requires much more focus and discipline than most would think.

“What we do, we study about it. We practice it for long periods of time. We really get into it to make it safe, sane and consensual,” she said.

In the three years Santos has been practicing Shibari, she has presented her photographic works in a solo exhibition and gained a steady following as a visible, open representative of the local BDSM community, all while maintaining her career as a rope artist, an alternative model and a performer. Talk about a person in control.

No-nonsense and rule-driven

Santos' artistic partner and fellow rope artist, Luis Medina, said that in any of their endeavors it is important “to have the hard conversation first.”

A relationship starts with a discussion of the terms and settling contracts in a safe, neutral setting. In Santos’s case, her subjects are taken from a select network of women whom she fondly refers to as her “Bunnies.” These women either join on their own or are invited by Santos.

A typical session with a Bunny involves Santos as the dominant who handles the rope and does the tying up, and the Bunny as the submissive who is bound. These sessions can be either private or public, depending on their preference.

"It’s all about limits and expectations…if you're dealing with really sensitive stuff, you have to take note of your implications, [like in] law and medicine,” said Santos matter-of-factly.

“We have three rules in the BDSM community—in life, actually,” she added. “It doesn't just apply to my alternative lifestyle. It's common sense.”

These rules state that the activity has to be:

• Safe. “Whatever you do, it has to be safe,” said Santos. “Not meaning the just absence of danger, [but] that you're knowledgeable about the risks and you know how to address the risks.”
• Sane. “It has to be within the bounds of your sanity. Iba-iba yung threshold ng mga tao...but they have to be able to comprehend it.”
• Consensual. “The most important is it has to be consensual. When she says stop, I stop. No question about it. I don't force, I don't negotiate. I stop completely.”

There are no dominants if there are no submissives, said Santos. But the power is not where you'd think it is.

“Basically my Bunnies control me. That's the thing that most people don't see and realize... they don't see what happens beforehand, they don't see the very strong relationship and communication that's going on. It's all simpler in the community... I wish life were like that,” said Santos.

“Communication is integral in what I do. Consent is paramount as well.”

Not about sex

The controversial film and book series "Fifty Shades of Grey" is brought up. Santos snickered and said, "Can I say ‘no comment’?”

Medina and Santos pointed out that one of the biggest misconceptions about BDSM is that the relationship needs to be romantic or sexual. It is neither—unless you want it to be.

“There's no sex... as in the sex act. There's nothing at all,” said Santos.

Instead, the kink is in the experience. “It's sensual. You feel it, you smell it. You smell the smell of natural rope. You feel it on your skin,” she continued.

Medina agreed, saying, “I like the sensual nature of it, the connection with somebody else. [There is a] level of respect.”

Unraveling the controversy

There is still much to be learned and understood about the BDSM world, which is often subject to much criticism and judgement from a public that does not have all the information about the culture.

Last year, Bench’s controversial denim and underwear show featured a female model on a leash being led around by actor Coco Martin. This particular segment outraged many people, who saw it as misogynistic and dehumanizing, and even abusive.

Santos offers another perspective: “Was the model an adult? Was she forced to do that? Was there knowledge of what she was gonna do, or ginulat ba siya right then and there? Was there intention? Was there free will? If there was, then it's not abusive. It's not, you know, objectification of women. It's her letting Coco Martin do that to her. She let him. So basically she holds the power.”

Freedom in restraint

There is a meditative quality about being tied up. “You can compare it to a massage, or ventosa, acupuncture,” said Santos.

For her, part of the appeal of the practice is the primal freedom that one can experience during a session. “Other people would choose oil paint and a palette knife for their art. I like naked girls and rope… it’s just expression. It’s just my aesthetic,” she added.

Ultimately, BDSM is very much about a good, strong relationship between the parties involved.

“You get to 'friendship level-up' when you get to tie someone up,” said Santos. “First of all, because they're partly or completely naked; they're just completely honest with you, for once in their life. They tell you 'this hurts—can you move it a bit' or 'I like how you did this.' It's super honest.”

Like many in the BDSM community, Santos holds a day job, but underneath those nondescript blazers are layers of thick, taut, scratchy rope. To a woman who can bear and bare all, those 8-meter strips of jute, nylon, or multi-fiber polypropylene are no less than a second skin. — BM, GMA News