The free world is safe with Captain America... or not

Is there any country quite as jingoistic as America? Rah rah rah sisboombah, when Captain America throws his mighty shield… yadda yadda yadda. Come on, America, we love you already. We love your movies, your TV shows, and your music. We love your fashion, your ideas, your rock stars, your American idols, and your Barack star president. But this jingoistic self-promotion leaves a funny taste in the mouth. Relax already! This constant self-promotion reminds us of Anne Curtis. When you’re gorgeous, quit preening! How come no other country has its own superhero? You know, like… Cadet Burma, Corporal Africa, Colonel Korea, Major Vietnam, Sergeant Spratlys… Or here’s one with potential… SPO1 Pilipinas. I can see him now. Faster than a speeding wang-wang, able to apprehend public smokers in a single bound. Spandex tights and muscle shirt in a custom color — estero brown. Let’s borrow a jingoistic page from our American idols. Self-deprecation doesn’t seem to do much in these dog-eat-dog times.

As superheroes go, Captain America’s pretty cool. He’s very strong. He can run really fast. He’s smart… well smart enough to also have a non-spandex costume, along with the spandex one all superheroes must have. He’s skilled at hand-to-hand combat. And he has a mighty shield. That was the thing to have back then, of course. Never mind those nasty Nazi rockets, methamphetamine-fueled super soldiers or terrifying characters named Red Skull. As long as the good guys’ super soldier is armed with a mighty shield, the free world is safe. If there’s one thing other than jingoism that America excels in, it is techno-babble gobbledygook. Wolverine’s claws and skeleton are made of and fused with adamantium. Superhero vehicles are made of unobtanium. Captain America’s mighty shield is made of vibranium. That makes for two notably American quirks: entrenched, unabashed jingoism and a penchant for techno-jargon. In this Joe Johnston-helmed flick, Captain America as played by pretty boy Chris Evans is anyone’s idea of the ideal boy next door. He starts out as the stereotypical 98-pound weakling before being given some wonder drugs — another American specialty — and turning into a beefcake. (The lady sitting next to me last night was salivating so hard, her husband was doubtless bemoaning the lack of divorce in the Philippines.) With comic book mythos being this way, is it any wonder so many people got into steroids? That makes three notable quirks, the third being a fascination with medication. Hugo Weaving, as the Red Skull, was brilliant, as always. The only caveat — he overpowered anyone he shared a scene with. Poor little Chris Evans was constantly eaten alive in almost all scenes with Hugo Weaving. If Chris Evans weren’t so darned purty, we would’ve been cheering for the enemy. Speaking of pretty, leading lady Hayley Atwell was hot in a forgettable way. We would hook up with her in a flash if we saw each other along, say, the Jersey Shore or something. But we probably wouldn’t call her afterwards. The movie’s fight scenes were really rather primitive, given how far fight choreography has come since The Matrix series and the Bourne series. But we suppose primitive fight choreography was an intentional choice, of a piece with the World War Two zeitgeist. Put it this way, Captain America could conceivably be a Lito Lapid sidekick. Lito would split bullets with his knife, Cap would throw his mighty shield. We couldn’t help but giggle at the naiveté of a dude who throws his primary weapon around so cavalierly. Captain America should thank his lucky stars that there is no SPO1 Pilipinas. If SPO1 Pilipinas existed, and if Captain America tried throwing his mighty shield around in an encounter with SPO1, next thing you know, that mighty shield would be confiscated, a ticket given, delihensiya asked for and the shield would be released only after a steep fine was forked over to the MMDA. And the good Captain would have to attend a day-long seminar on shield usage. Caveats and cheap shots aside, though, as forgettable Hollywood fodder, Captain America is really rather good. Chris Evans is very yummy eye candy — just ask the lady sitting next to me last night. The movie gives the viewer completely ridiculous ideas about history, as all good movies do. The action scenes are almost on a par with the best of the Lito Lapid oeuvre. Most important, the viewer escapes the boredom of everyday life for a couple of hours in an air-conditioned theater. In Manila, almost any escapist flick is better than facing reality. Captain America is, intentionally or otherwise, a rather accurate caricature of America’s public persona. It certainly nailed a few of the most salient qualities, to wit: an unabashed penchant for self-promotion, geeky techno-jargon, sexy boys and girls given to partying with mighty shields (wink wink). And of course, the moral is cheekily obvious: weak nerds rock, if they’re given steroids. - YA, GMA News