All we need is love
It has been said that when parents love and nurture their children, they grow up being more confident and have positive self-esteem. This makes them better equipped to handle life's difficulties. However, others have said that when children are loved to the point of being spoiled, they grow up being helpless and unable to cope with the challenges they face.
One of the fathers whose son I see in the clinic told me that he shows his son “tough love” to prepare him for the realities of this harsh world. How much love then is too much? Are there different ways of showing love?
Parenting styles
Maccoby and Martin refined Diana Baumrind's Parenting Styles Theory which states that the type of parenting employed is closely related to children's behavior, development and outcome. These parenting styles take into consideration love and discipline.
The Authoritarian (or Disciplinarian) parent employs a whole lot of discipline with hardly any love. This may be similar to the military style of training where cadets are told to “Obey first and ask questions later.” They are expected to obey without understanding why just because mommy and daddy said so. This may be what the father I mentioned was referring to as “tough love.” Children who grow up exposed to this style of parenting end up with lower self-esteem.
The second parenting style is called the Permissive (or Indulgent) Parent. Here parents show a lot of love with hardly any discipline. This may be what they mean by loving to the point of spoiling the child.
I am reminded of the comic book character Richie Rich, the poor little rich boy, whose parents lavished him with the most expensive gifts that money could buy but left him to the care of their butler, Cadbury, who managed the Rich estate. As we know with our yayas nowadays, they can hardly instill discipline in our kids and are regarded by our children as pushovers who let them do whatever they want. These children grow up being self-centered and have poor social skills.
The third parenting style is the Neglectful (or Uninvolved) Parent. Here the parent shows neither love nor discipline in handling their children. The children are left to fend for themselves. Children who grow up exposed to this style are not only a problem to themselves and their families but to society as well.
The fourth parenting style that we should all aim for is the Authoritative Parent. Here the parents balance love with discipline. Their children grow up feeling loved and with a higher self-esteem.
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
Love language
So how do we find this balance between love and discipline? First, as we show love to our children it's important to know their love language/s as presented by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD, in their book called The Five Love Languages of Children. Here the authors talk about children having different love languages and that we should know what those are. Otherwise, we may think we are lavishing them with love the way we think they should be loved but, in the end, they feel unloved as we are not “speaking their language.”
The five love languages include gifts, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation and quality time.
There are children who feel loved when they receive material gifts. Others feel loved when they are held or massaged. Some feel loved when they are made a snack or when cooked their favorite meal. Some children feel loved when they are verbally praised for positive qualities they are showing or for the effort they put into something. Yet there are others who feel loved when their parents spend time watching their favorite cartoon or playing a board game with them.
Discipline
Second, with regard to discipline, let's remember that this word comes from a Greek word which means “to train.” This is not a negative term or the opposite of love but an act of love. There are many options to try out depending on the child's age and developmental level. Certainly, no one-size-fits-all. The goal should be to help our children control their unwanted behaviors and learn what is acceptable.
So, will being an Authoritative Parent who knows your child's love language and balances things with a good measure of discipline guarantee your child's success? Unfortunately, no. It will however raise the chances of your child having a positive self-esteem, becoming self-sufficient, and having good interpersonal skills later on.
1 Corinthians 13:13 says, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Perhaps love is indeed all we will ever need.
