How overall fitness saved our marriage: Living our best lives despite major depressive disorder and adult-type ADHD
It is a given that no one is perfect and by extension, no relationship/marriage is perfect as well. As individuals, we have our own issues that we have to deal with and sometimes, these issues can be very overwhelming. Sadly, these issues can lead us to severe episodes of depression and anxiety.
My wife (and fellow GMA Lifestyle contributor, Julia Sucgang-Bonoan) and I are no strangers to these kinds of issues. We are both diagnosed persons with disability (PWD) with my wife having major depressive disorder while I have adult-type ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder). As individuals, we were already disadvantaged in life and it would be difficult for us to live normally. And as a couple, we experienced numerous problems that have threatened our relationship and even our lives.
However, despite the odds, we can confidently say that we are now living our best lives yet and things are looking to get even better. Among the biggest reasons for this has been prioritizing our overall fitness.
Let us share with you how two PWDs manage to survive and thrive together with the help of overall fitness.
Major depressive disorder
For those of you who do not know, major depressive disorder (MDD) is a debilitating disease that is characterized by depressed mood, diminished interests, impaired cognitive function and vegetative symptoms, such as disturbed sleep or appetite. MDD occurs about twice as often in women than it does in men and affects one in six adults in their lifetime. (Otte et al., 2016)
Julia began experiencing this at the age of eight and it has affected her view towards life and her view towards herself. She explains that her depression growing up has led to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. Because of this, she became quite the perfectionist and people-pleaser. This made her appear to be a model student/child growing up but mistakes and disapproval would make her feel small. Sometimes, these would lead to “episodes” where she would inflict harm on herself and even thoughts of suicide were present.
Thankfully, she found fitness in the form of sports as a kid which served as an outlet for her to cope with her depression.
Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder
On the other hand, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is probably the most common chronic undiagnosed psychiatric disorder in adults. It is characterized by inattention and distractibility, restlessness, labile mood, quick temper, overactivity, disorganization, and impulsivity. It is always preceded by the childhood diagnosis, a disorder that is rarely inquired about, and usually overlooked. (Wender, 1998)
I was only diagnosed to have ADHD a year ago but the moment that I found out what I was experiencing, it made so much sense. I grew up with a low self-esteem as I was bullied and often had difficulty in class. I often found myself to be daydreaming and had a hard time focusing. I was very disorganized and highly impulsive. I also noticed that when I took interest in something, I would “hyperfocus” to the point of excelling at it but also forget about my other responsibilities. Also, ADHD turns out to be highly hereditary. (Grimm et al., 2020) Because of this, it was not that big of a surprise when my two siblings were also diagnosed with the same disorder.
While ADHD is different from depression and anxiety, studies show that those with the former have an increased risk of developing the latter especially if untreated. (Riglin et al., 2021) While the cause of it is still yet to be established in the research, I can say from personal experience that my ADHD has led to frustrations with myself. I felt frustrated that I cannot focus and that I could not fully be consistent with a certain habit. The lack of focus led to experiences of failure and inadequacy which have also made me experience some depression and anxiety.
Thankfully, I found fitness in the form of strength training and ultimate frisbee when I was in my sophomore year of high school.
The problem with our marriage
When Julia and I met one another, it was at a fitness photoshoot back in 2015. It was not long until we started going out and became a couple. However, as in many relationships, we learn more about one another as time passes. We were definitely tested by our own personal issues which was why we had lots of arguments. There were times when it felt hopeless. My ADHD-influenced bad habits sometimes led to Julia's depressive episodes which would in turn made me feel like a failure. These issues have threatened our relationship and our lives.
Ultimately, we were given a choice: to let our circumstances take control of our lives or to become better individuals for one another.
How overall fitness helped our marriage
As mentioned, Julia and I met at a fitness photoshoot back in 2015. This was because the people who invited us already knew that we were athletes/active individuals. Julia was a UAAP football and track & field athlete in her final year while I was already coaching clients. Knowing the kind of discipline required of being a student athlete as well as the character that it builds, I found myself attracted to Julia. The more that I've gotten to know her, the more reasons I found to keep loving her IN SPITE of her imperfections including her MDD.
Despite the imperfections of our marriage, we both learned that there are considerably more things to be thankful for. One of those things that made me confident in our relationship and to continue working on it was that we both wanted to live our best lives and do whatever it takes to make that happen. We did not want to settle for mere survival and overall fitness has helped us learn how to be resilient and become stronger for one another.
Here are three ways that overall fitness saved our lives
Fitness has taught us that progress and change takes time and consistent deliberate action. Fitness has proven to us that we can change and become better people. It has given us hope that our lives can be better as long as we are willing to put in the work.
The thing about fitness is that consistency is not about being at 100 percent every day but rather showing up each day and bouncing back whenever we fall off the wagon. The same goes with life. There will always be off days but each succeeding day is another opportunity to do better. And in general, the philosophy that Julia and I try to live out is to get one percent better each day instead of holding ourselves to the impossible standard of living perfect lives.
Sufficient exercise, a proper diet and good quality sleep (also known as The 3 Pillars of Physical Fitness) have consistently been shown in studies to help manage the symptoms of those with MDD and ADHD. These are often the suggestions given to those with these concerns and for good reasons. For one, they help us manage stress better. Another would be that we improve our outlook towards ourselves and improve our locus of control (a psychological concept that refers to how strongly people believe they have control over the situations and experiences that affect their lives).
For us, we consider these three pillars as “Cornerstone Habits” that have among the biggest positive impacts on our lives including our mental health. Before we even learned about mental health and our conditions, we were already active individuals. In hindsight, this likely had a significant positive effect on how we were able to get through our younger years.
We also give importance to mental health as we acknowledge that it is as essential as physical health. Physical and mental health are greatly linked to one another which is good news to us as fitness enthusiasts. However, instead of just relying on The 3 Pillars of Physical Fitness, we also take steps to further improve our mental health.
Here are some of the practices that greatly help us take care of our mental health:
- Time for ourselves (quality time together and “me time”)
- Morning prayers as a family
- Professional help, therapy and medication
- Cleaning up our social media feed
- Staying connected with friends and loved ones
- Being clear with our priorities (where to spend our time and money)
- Properly manage finances
- Practice breathing when stressed
- Vacations and events to look forward to
While this list is not an exhaustive one, we find these helpful in our own mental health journey.
It was through this belief in our ability to change and become better that made us confident to enter the next chapter of our relationship which was parenthood. It was not easy during Julia's pregnancy (it was during COVID and she experienced hyperemesis gravidarum in her first trimester) and after giving birth (she experienced postpartum depression). Thankfully, we overcame the challenges together.
Being parents made us realize that we are more responsible to overcome our circumstances and live our best lives. Not only do we want to provide a good life for our daughter but we also want to pass on this resilience. We believe that in order for us to do so, we must set a good example and keep working on ourselves. After all, how can we give that which we do not have?
Currently, Julia and I are both fitness coaches, content creators, and writers. We are also brand ambassadors for fitness and nutrition brands such as Gold's Gym Philippines, Spartan Race Philippines and Athlene Nutrition. Finally, we are also among the finalists of the ongoing Century Tuna Superbods 2024: Best You Ever. Whether it is through the clients whom we coach, the content that we create, or the fitness competitions that we join, we treat each opportunity as a chance to share our experiences and what we know so that others can live their best lives well.
Conclusion
True enough, problems will always arise and overcoming them may not always be so easy. Fitness is not the end-all-be-all solution to our problems but it definitely gives us a better fighting chance at life. Fitness has made us strong as individuals but also stronger together. We hope that our experiences as individuals and as a couple encourages you (and your partner) to live your best life too.
